Fall Back Into My Life
by ElieBel
Summary: Childhood friends turned lovers, Zack and Kahlan believed that nothing could tear them apart... but life had to prove them wrong.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello everyone. _

_Here comes my second and newest story on All Time Low. It's a Zachary Merrick fiction and I hope you'll enjoy reading it just as much as I enjoy writing it. I have 5 chapters written so updates shouldn't take too long on that one. _

_As a matter of fact, none of this ever happened and I own nothing more than my imagination. _

**Chapter 1: I've got a feeling**

I wish I could say that I've always known what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be but that'd make me a liar. I imagined myself as a healthy and happy ballet dancer, engaged to her very first love. I've never been a good dancer and my first love won't be my last love. My life is nothing like what I used to picture but I achieved my main goal. I'm a happy and healthy 21 years old woman who just moved in with her amazing boyfriend and may get her dream job as a music manager. I have nothing to complain about and yet, I feel like something's wrong. It may just be the fact that I moved back to my hometown after three years of running away. I don't know but I have no time to work myself up about it. I've got a job interview to attend and I can't mess it up. I have done nothing but mope around over the last month. I have to get out of the apartment. I have to get a life outside of Luke and Faith. I have to stop being scared to bump into old friends.

"Kahlan Carter." Finally. I started to think they had forgotten to write my name down on that list. We were like fifteen persons in the room, now there's only two left. I have to say that it's a relief to not be the last one.

"Hi, I'm Keith Lazorchak." Oh gosh, I'll never be able to call him by his full name. That is seriously unpronounceable. If I ever get that job, I'll have to train myself in front of a mirror. I can hear Luke's laughter behind me already.

"Nice to meet you." I could have gone with 'nervous to meet you' but I don't think that would have sound very good. He looks even more impressive behind that large desk. I don't like job interviews all that much. I do hope that's my last one.

"I see that you've managed quite a few bands already." Great, he's read my resume. It shouldn't come as a surprise though. They must get thousands of resumes every day and make a choice among them. They have to read them all in order to get the best person to do the job. I suppose.

"I'm impressed by your recommendation letters." I knew they were going to be a nice addition to my resume. I used to be in touch with radios and magazines headmasters when I was in high school. They helped a lot with the band I managed back then and always told me to call if I needed anything. I didn't see any reason not to use their influences.

"Do you know any of the bands we manage?" I knew it. I knew he was going to ask me that. I did get a list but I didn't even glance at it. I'm not here to work with some of their biggest bands and that usually is the only names written on these sheets of paper. They could have a contract with the Rolling Stones or the Beach Boys that I wouldn't care.

"You mostly sign rock bands and that's the music I'd like to spread over the world. That's all I need to know." I should have lied and told him that I knew a few of them. He wouldn't have asked which one anyway. They never do; not on the first interview at least.

"We have some big names on our hands, we can't afford to mess it up. I mean, imagine the drama if All Time Low gets bad publicity because of us." I've heard him wrong. There's no other explanation. All Time Low are signed with Hopeless Records. Hopeless Records doesn't hire small agency to work with them. He did not just mention All Time Low as if it was one of the bands they manage here.

"That's why we need to make sure that you'll be able to deal with anything." I can't be the person they're looking for then because there is one thing I can't deal with right now and it is working with All Time Low. It may be a dream to many girls but it is definitely not mine.

"I love what I'm doing and I give 100% of myself to it but I can't tell you that I'm the best person for that job. Not only would it be presumptuous of me but it would also be a lie. You're looking for perfection and I have my cracks." I know that's not the smartest thing to say but I don't care anymore. I don't want to be a housewife all my life but I can't work here. I just can't. It'd be way too messed up. I've got my life in order; it's not to have it fucked up by them again.

"When do you want to start?"

Out of all the management groups in the country, I have a job offer from the one who works with the only rock band I can't deal with. I'm gonna have to decline. That's the only solution. I can't work with All Time Low. I can't even take the chance to bump into them at the corner of a corridor. I'm not ready to see them again. I'm still trying to heal the scars they left on me. It'd be so much easier if I could just forget everything that happened three years ago.

"How did the interview go?" I think my sister is genetically unable to start a conversation with a 'hi, how are you?' but I don't know where it could come from. Then again, she's five years older than me and our parents didn't raise us the same way.

"I got the job." I couldn't sound more desperate if I wanted to. This is just so fucked up. I've got the job I so desperately wanted but I can't take it. I should have known better than to move back to Baltimore and hope to never hear about All Time Low ever again.

"Why don't you look happy?"

"AMG manages All Time Low." And that is enough said. A light goes on behind her eyes. She doesn't need more to know where I'm going at. She's always been my best friend and confident, she knows everything that happened and more.

"What are you gonna do?" If I knew what to do, I wouldn't have called her. I love my sister to pieces but I'm not a fan of suspicious meetings in coffee shops. I can't stand Starbucks anymore. I used to have a daily stop here back in high school but now, it only brings up painful memories.

"I can't work with them, Fay." I sound like a little kid afraid to sleep and be attacked by some monster hiding under the bed. That is pretty much how I feel too. My past is my ugly monster under the bed.

"And you won't. They are one of their biggest bands, if not the biggest. Do you think they'll leave it to a freshly graduate girl?" Faith has a way to rationalize everything but she's right. I've checked that list after my interview and All Time Low is their most known band, they must want the best for them and I'm definitely not the best.

"They still come in there every so often." And now I sound like a whiny little kid who doesn't want to have a bath. I know that I'm being irrational or whatever. I know that I'm bound to see them at some point. We live in the same town now and they don't lock themselves in their suburban homes.

"Look Kahlan, you can't run away your whole life. You've been gone three years but you're still hanging onto what happened that day. You have to move on and for that to happen, you have to let go of the past."

"I hate it when you're right."

It's going to be the biggest disaster of all times and my biggest mistakes ever. There's no other word to describe what I'm about to do. I must be crazy or masochistic. I do believe both words means the same thing, though. Things are going to repeat themselves. Hearts are going to be broken and tears are going to fall. There's no happy ending to my story. I should have known that from the start. I should get out of here and never look back. I shouldn't rush straight into hell. I should avoid it.

"Ms. Carter. I didn't expect you to come back so soon." Crap, it's too late to run away now. I could just tell him that I'm here to decline his offer. No, I can't do that. I have to face my demons and let go of them. I have to move on in order to have my happy ever after with Luke. I have to do this.

"Is the job offer still on?"

"Definitely, yes."

"Show me the contract." Oh, assurance. I didn't know I had it in me. It's kind of logical though. After all, I've been managing bands for six years. It asks a lot of arguments to convince local radios and clubs owners to play them.

"Follow me."

"Kahlan?" If I had known about Nano being here, I would have walked faster. I should have known that it'd be here. The guys never let their friends down or behind; unless said friends let them down and leave far away first.

"Wow, you didn't change at all!" I'd like to think that I did change a little but it may not be all that noticeable on the outside. It's more of a personality change. I used to be a shadow in the dark, now I'm my own person. I think.

"I could say the same about you."

"What are you doing here?" Ah, straight to the point we go. That is the Nano I used to know. He's always been quite the charmer too. If I didn't have the perfect boyfriend at home, I'd be swooning over him right now.

"I just got a job." And by the look of it, he believes it just as much as I do. It is unbelievable though. I ran away from these guys' years ago and here I am, back in town to work with their management group. It sounds like a bad movie.

"I know it sounds crazy."

"No, it sounds great. I can't wait to work with you again and I'm sure the guys will be thrilled to have you back." I won't bet on it. One of them broke my heart but I bailed on all of them. I didn't just leave my boyfriend that day; I also left my best friends. How could they forgive me? I haven't done so myself yet.

"I know it's a lot to ask but could you keep it quiet? I'm not ready to face them yet. I know it'll happen eventually but I need time." I will never have enough time but I don't want to be a coward anymore. I don't want to run away again. I've done it enough for a lifetime.

"It's not my place to tell them anyway." It must be mine then. I just don't know how to do that. It's not like I could go and knock on their door. First of, they probably moved out of their parents house a long time ago. Second of, I don't want to go and knock on their door. I just want to sign my contract so I won't be able to run away anymore. As absurd as it sounds, I need it to stay.

"And Kahlan, he'll be happy to see you again."

I can't believe I did it. I took a job that's going to drag me closer to the ones I ran away from three years ago. I don't know how I feel about it anymore. I'm scared to see them again but at the same time, I'm happy to have them back in my life. I missed them. I didn't allow myself to think of them too much but I did miss them. I don't know if I believe in fate but I start to think that it's what brought me here. Luke could have worked in any hospitals of the United States, yet he decided to take a job in Baltimore. He knew it'd be hard to convince me to come back here but he took the chance anyway. Maybe his golden opportunity was just meant to get me here and back into my best friends' life. That's a self-centered theory but I don't any rational explanation to what's happening now.

"_If I make it, it'll only be because of you." Fifteen years old Zack whimpered as fifteen yeas old Kahlan dragged him up the stairs of a dirty building. He wouldn't mind the dirt so much if they were there to have an adventurous make-out session but she was only taking him to an audition that her friends were holding. _

"_If you make it, it'll be because of your skills." Kahlan assured him with a smile and a squeeze of his hand. Her best friends held the audition but she wasn't even going to give her opinion. If her boyfriend made it into their band, it wouldn't be because of her. Truth was that she had no words in the guys' final decision. _

"_Kahlan, I couldn't play bass to save my life." Zack declared with a suspicious glance at the broken doors. The place didn't look very safe to him and he didn't like the fact that his girlfriend was spending most of her afternoons there. He didn't even find reassurance in the fact that she hung out with three guys. _

"_Are you kidding me? You're awesome." Kahlan exclaimed and stopped in the middle of the staircase. She couldn't believe just how insecure her boyfriend could be. She wished he could believe in his talent as much as she did. She had been listening to many bass players over the last few days and Zack was by far the best. _

"_And you only say that because you love me." Zack affirmed, wrapping his arms around her tiny body to bring her closer to him. He loved how they fitted perfectly together. It was like they were meant to be. He knew the chances to find your other half in kindergarten were slim but sometimes, he believed that she was the one._

"_Do I? I must have lost the memo." Kahlan said with a smile and quickly kissed his pouting lips. She made it to resume their walking but he took her hand and spun her around to crash their lips together again. She tried to push him away for about a second before running her fingers through his hair to pull him closer. Maybe he'd have his dirty make-out session after all. _

"_Found her!" Jack screamed to Alex who was standing right next to him and got a snap on the back of his head for that. The young couple jumped apart with a similar blush flashing on their cheeks. It wasn't how Kahlan wanted her long-term boyfriend to meet her relatively new friends. _

"_Zack, meet Jack and Alex." _

I shake my head with the faint hope to shake the memory away but I know it's not going to work. I've tried it before but I can't seem to get rid of these flashbacks. I walked next to a park the other and instantly remembered the first time I met Zack. I was only five years old but I remember every little detail of that day. There are some moments in life that you can't forget, no matter how hard you try. But I have to let go now. I have to put the past at rest and concentrate on the future.

"Honey, I'm home." And here's my future. Luke is the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. He's the one I'm going to wake up next every morning and he's the one I'm going to go to bed with every night. He's the reason why I have to move on properly. He doesn't deserve to own only half of my heart; he deserves to have all of it. I'm going to be worthy of him, just wait and see.


	2. Chapter 2

I forgot to say in the last chapter that I absolutely do not owe any of the guys (although I'd like to owe Zack a little). And also that I may have gotten some fact wrong but it's all needed… kinda.

londonpunker14 : thanks for sticking around, commenting & everything. I agree, there's a lack of Zack around :D

**Chapter 2: Can't stop this feeling**

I've been working at Absolute for ten days now and I'm yet to bump into the guys. Keith had met up with them a couple of times but never at the office. I wonder if Nano told him about our common past but I doubt it. He promised to keep it quiet till I'm ready to face it. He has always been a pretty decent guy; I don't see him going against his word. Speaking of Nano, he's been acting all weird today. If I didn't know better, I'd say something's bothering him. Wait a second I don't know any better. I don't know what it is but there's definitely something up with him. I don't see any other reason for him to stop next to me, wait a couple of minutes and leave without a word. Either he has something to tell me or he has to be treated for dementia and fast.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" I'm not going to wonder what's going on all day. I've been doing just that all morning already and I don't like it much. I'm not one to stand by and question everything without looking for answers. Whatever it is that he has to tell me, he's going to tell me now.

"The guys are coming in today." Wow, I've never heard him talk so fast. It takes all of my energy to make up the words. Wait, did he just say that the guys were coming here today? I don't think I'm ready for that but it's not like I had much of a choice anyway. That is crap.

"It's just Alex and Jack. We have to settle a few things with Hopeless and it can't happen anywhere else."

"It's okay. It had to happen eventually." But I didn't expect to be told on the day that they were coming. I thought that, with Zack out of town, they'd have to plan everything long before. I mean, meeting Keith around a coffee is one thing but a meeting at the office with guys from Hopeless is a completely other thing. I thought all members of the band should be here for these ones.

"You could hide in my office, if you want." That is sweet of him but I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to be a coward anymore. I've been running away for far too long now and it's time to set things straight. It's not going to be easy but it has to be done. I have to make things right for a change, even if things have changed and they'll never be the same again.

"I have to listen to these demos." That is not my favorite part of the job. Out of the bunch of demos we get every day, only a few will show an ounce of talent. I'd rather go out and randomly discover a band. The best musicians are the ones who don't believe in themselves and therefore won't look for a manager.

"Right, I'll let you to it then."

I think my ears may be bleeding. I've heard a lot of crap in my young life but that last demo topped them all. None of the musicians could play and the singer was more of a screamer than anything. That's what I call awful and it goes straight on the 'not even worth to answer' list. I feel so bad every time I have to send a refusal letter. It reminds me of the guys when they first started. They were trying too hard and Alex couldn't hit half of the notes. It was pretty awful to be honest but you could hear that he had more to offer. He wasn't that bad of a singer, he was just misguided. I fought quite a lot for them but it was all worth it.

_The first thing Kahlan noticed when she stepped into the classroom was that it didn't look like a music room at all. There weren't even instruments on there. She threw a quick glance at the teacher and sighed. An old man who was most probably going to teach them about classical music and other opera shit. If she didn't regret her former school before, she definitely did now. She adjusted her backpack on her shoulder and walked to the first desk she could find. She didn't mind that it was on the first row; she didn't intend to stay there for too very long anyway._

"_I wouldn't sit there if I were you." Jack told the girl as he walked next to her desk to sit a couple of row behind. He didn't know what had gotten over him. He didn't usually talk to new kids. He didn't even talk to girls in general for that matter. But there was something about her that made him want to know more. It could be that she was a pretty hot blonde chick but if it were that, he wouldn't dare to talk to her. Kahlan turned around and looked at him with a confused frown. Not only did she want to know why she shouldn't be sitting there but also she was surprised to hear someone talk to her. It seemed that the only people talking to her were the brainless cheerleaders she had nothing in common with. _

"_Let's say that Mr. Spitter deserves his name." Jack explained, trying to mime a flow of spit with his hands. The blonde giggled softly and turned around without a word. She didn't make it to move either. Jack couldn't say that her behavior surprised him. Cute girls never gave him his time of the day. They usually went for his best friend and didn't give him a second glance. _

"_I'm Kahlan, by the way." Kahlan introduced herself after a few seconds. She didn't want to make friends because her plan would be harder to put into action if she had something to lose but that guy seemed nice. She didn't want him to think that no girls would give him a chance because he had a pink fringe. _

"_Who is it gonna be today, Beethoven or Mozart?" Alex asked as he dropped on the seat next to Jack. Music was the only class they had together and the only one he looked forward to. Not to hear about dead dudes but to get crazy with his best friend. Spitter never noticed them going mad in the background. A herd could run through his classroom that he wouldn't notice anyway. _

"_Uh, Alex. I'm kind of busy here." Jack stated in a low voice, throwing a quick glance in Kahlan's direction. Alex's gaze went from his best friend to the girl in front of them and back to his best friend. He wasn't used to find Jack talking to girls and even less cute girls. _

"_Alright kids, let's start today lesson on Mozart. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was a prolific and influential composer of the Classical era. He composed over 600 works, many acknowledged as pinnacles of symphonic, concertante, chamber, piano, operatic, and choral music." Mr. Spitter started to read his notes with the most boring tone that Kahlan had never heard before. She looked around her and noticed that most of his students looked like they were sleeping already. She felt a little bad for the old man. He wasn't that interesting but he seemed nice. She almost regretted her decision to act during his class. Almost. _

"_Are you going to read your notes the whole class? Because if that's so, I'd rather do something more productive for the next two hours and look it up on the Internet when we'll have a test." Kahlan interrupted the old teacher without the shadow of a shiver. She had no reason to be scared. She wanted to be sacked and expelled if possible. She thought that her parents would take her back to her old school if that happened. She was just a teenager; she didn't have time to think of a better plan. _

"_Go to the headmaster office, now!" The teacher spitted shakily, his face redder than a tomato. Kahlan gathered her stuff as slowly as she could, a smirk plastered on her face. She wasn't proud of herself but she liked it when everything was going according to plan. It was just a matter of time till she'd be back with Zack now. _

"_Jack, I like your new friend." _

"Kahlan?" I didn't expect to be called back to present time by Alex Gaskarth's voice but it shouldn't surprise me. He used to be my anchor to reality back in the days. Every time I started to dream too much, he made a goal to remind me that dreams only last for a night. Every pun is intended.

"What are you doing here?" That's what I've been wondering for the last ten days. I've come to the conclusion that I have to feel miserable in order to feel comfortable with myself. Maybe it's my karma or something.

"I've been working here for a couple of weeks now."

"I didn't know. Nano didn't tell me." I used to read him like an open book. A simple glance and I knew what was on his mind. I can't do it anymore. I don't know what's on his mind right now. I don't know if he's mad, disappointed or surprised. I don't know if he'll ever be able to forgive me.

"Yeah, don't be mad at him. I asked him to keep it quiet." And I know that it was a mistake on my behalf but I can tell that it won't be the last. It seems like I have a history of messing up the guys' life but I used to be too far away to see the outcomes of my bad actions. His silence is killing me. Alex has never been much of a quiet kid. Thought must be rushing through his mind for him to keep it shut.

"Where's Jack? I thought he was coming with you."

"Uh, yeah. He wanted to climb the stairs." I almost forgot that Jack didn't like to take elevators. The idea of getting stuck in such a small square freaked him out to no end. It's good to know that some things don't change. It makes me hopeful on what else could have stayed the same.

"You cheated and I want a revenge." And here he comes, the best friend I've ever had. If it wasn't for his hair, I could say that he didn't change one bit. He even has the same goofy smile that he had three years ago… or he had it before seeing me.

"Wow, you look a lot like a girl I used to know." I can't believe he didn't recognize me. I know that it's been a few years now but I didn't change that much. Even Nano had no trouble to know who I was and we weren't even that close. I shouldn't be hurt by his loss of memory. After all, I probably deserved it.

"Jack, it _is_ Kahlan."

"Yeah, I know." He did recognize me. He does know who I am but he hates me too much to acknowledge me. I knew that coming back wasn't going to be easy and that some people were going to take it badly but I didn't expect Jack to be one of them. We went through so much together that I never thought he could just turn his back to me. My only consolation is that Alex seems as dumbfounded as me.

"It's good to see you again, Kahlan."

I've never thought I'd say that but I can't wait for the day to be over. I'm dreaming of a bubble bath right now or anything that will allow me some alone time to relax and forget that today ever happened. It couldn't have gone any worse. Actually, it could have if Zack had been there. I'm dreading to see him again and I don't even know what I fear the most, his reaction or mine. I've imagined so many scenarios over the last three years that I don't really know what to expect anymore. To face him knowing that it's all over, that there's nothing left of our friendship is going to be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.

"I forgot you were here." And Jack couldn't be any colder if he tried. I can't even ask him if he wants a cup of coffee without fearing his wrath. I didn't expect him to welcome me back with opens arms but I didn't think he'd be so distant either.

"I'm working here, I can't just evaporate."

"But you're so good when it comes to disappear." I didn't think words could hurt so much but he's telling the truth. I do have a tendency to run away when things don't go my way. I've done it with him three years ago but I'm not going to make the same mistakes twice. I'm here to stay now. It's going to take me a while but I'm going to prove it to him and to anyone it may concern.

"How are the others doing?"

"You mean Zack?"

"Among others, yeah." It's harsh to say but he's right, once again. I only care about Zack right now but I don't know what I want to hear anymore. I carried on with my life and yet, it hurts to imagine that he moved on. I know that it's selfish but I can't help it. I've spent the last three years trying to stop this feeling but I just can't, no matter how much I want to.

"You shouldn't have come back."

"_Did you think of Zack? This is going to kill him!" Jack almost screamed in his best friend's face. He couldn't believe that she wanted to leave them. Things were going so well lately. They got a contract with Hopeless Records. They toured with bands that they used to look upon to. She had to come and ruined it by telling them that she'd leave at the end of Warped, which happened to be a couple of weeks away._

"_I don't want to hurt him, Jack. Believe me." _

"_Why are you leaving then?" _

"_Because I have to."_

"_There's a management program at UB and Nano says it's not that bad. You don't have to go to California." Jack pointed out with a casual shrug of his shoulder. He understood that she didn't want anything to do with Hopeless anymore but she could work with Emerald Moon. He didn't know much but he knew that she loved working with them. They all did. _

"_Have you seen the kids in the audience when you're playing? They're going completely mental, Jack. They love you. They love your music. All Time Low is going to be huge and you're going to have thousands of girls at your feet."_

"_Zack doesn't care about it. He only wants you."_

"_My life has always revolved around Zack, ever since I was five years old. I've always thought of him before thinking of me. I've always put him first. He's everything to me and that's why I have to go. I have to find my something and I have to do it on my own." Kahlan sobbed, tears falling freely down her cheeks. She wished she didn't have to leave but she didn't know how to figure things out from here anymore. She had tried so hard to find a way to make herself happy and stay with her friends at the same time. It just seemed to be impossible at the moment. _

"_Just say you'll come back."_

"I thought you understood why I had to go." I promised myself that I wouldn't go and try to defend my decision but I can't let him get out of the room like that. We didn't part in bad terms so I want to understand why he hates me so much now.

"You don't get it, do you? I'm not mad because you fucking left! I'm mad because you forgot about us! The minute you stepped into that fucking plane, we were history to you!"

"It's not true. I didn't forget anything. I've been thinking of you every day of the last three years, Jack. Every freaking day."

"Yeah, then why didn't you call?"

I've never been happier to have a place I can call home because there's nothing better than to go home after a rough time. Today has been worse than a trip to hell. I don't know what I expected. I'm not completely stupid, I knew that things would be different but I still hoped the bonds would remain the same. I must be the stupidest girl in the whole of Baltimore.

"Hey, you're home." Finally, yes. I won't put up with buses for too very long. There are too many people and it stinks way too much for my liking. I have to find me a car and soon. Actually, I could just ask Faith to give me my car back. I still don't get why our parents decided to give my precious Comet to her after I left. She's not supposed to get my leftovers. She's the oldest sister, after all.

"How was your day?" I'm in no mood to talk about my day. All I want is to forget it even happened. Today will be written off of my calendar forever.

"Alright, what's wrong?" I wish he could just drop it but he never does. I start to wonder if moving in together was such a good idea. I loved to have my own place to go whenever I didn't fancy company. All I have now is that bathtub way too small for two people, not that we tried because that would be inappropriate. And even there, he's able to come in and out as much as he wants. I'd like to have some time to myself right now but how to tell him that without hurting him.

"You only take baths when you're upset." I get it. He knows me well but we've been together for about a year now so that's not spectacular. I'd be way more surprised if he could tell me why I'm pissed off but it's never going to happen. He'd have to know about my past with Alex, Jack, Rian and Zack to be able to do that. I've never got around to tell him about it. He knows that I've dated my best friend all through high school and that it ended up badly, hence why I didn't come back to Baltimore very often before he got his job opportunity.

"I've got a bit of a crap day." That's an understatement but no words are strong enough to describe what today had been. It's never easy to realize that things have changed because of your mistakes. I wanted friendships to remain the same but I didn't even try to work it out. I didn't visit. I didn't call. I didn't write. I should have. I wanted to. I spent so many hours staring at my phone, ready to hit the call button but I never went all the way. I don't know why I didn't. Maybe I thought it'd be easier on all of us. Whatever reason I had, I was wrong and now the best friend I ever had hates my guts. I'm such an idiot.

"I'd like to be alone now."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Prepare for a wound**

Today and for the first time since I started working at AMG, I can't wait to get to the office. I'm still dreading to see Zack's name on the schedule but now I'll have something to distract me. It's hard to believe but out of a thousand demos, there was one worthy band. I can already see them being labeled as 'wannabes' or 'failed copy' of Paramore just because the singer's a girl but they have potential and it'd be a waste not to use it. Keith must have thought the same or he wouldn't have let me contact them.

"Hey, you're here early." Nano's voice greets me when I step out if the elevator. I want to enlighten that he's one to talk but I'm not going to. He has to be here earlier on Mondays to fix up the schedule of the week.

"I've left a couple of things hanging on Friday and want them done by the end of the morning." I'm not lying to him. I did leave early and in a rush on Friday in order to avoid all contacts with the guys. Things with Alex were as good as they could be but Jack was a completely different story. He hasn't uttered a word to me since our little argument in the lounge room, three weeks ago.

"Zack's in town and he's coming here tomorrow." Nano blurts the words out so fast that I'm struggling to find their meaning but once I do, my heart skips a couple of beats and I suddenly find it hard to breath. It takes me a few seconds to recover completely and only then do I notice Nano's soft gaze. It's like he's waiting for me to break down any minute now but I'm not going to. I'll be fine. Everything's going to be alright. Eventually.

"It had to happen, right?" I force a smile to lighten the mood but I can say that he's not buying it. I've spent the last month making up all kind of scenarios in my head, from the best to the worst. I should be ready to face him but I'm not even close to be.

"You don't have to be here if you don't feel it." Nano reminds me with that condescending tone I hate so much. It just reminds me that everything is messed up at the moment and this is all my fault. I'm dealing with the consequences now, it should be enough of a punishment.

"I'll be fine." I lie a little. I won't be fine. I'll be worried sick and I'll probably want to bail again but I won't make the same mistake twice. I won't run away anymore. I'm not the girl I was three years ago. I don't take the easy way out anymore.

"If you need a friend, I won't be far.

I didn't think a morning could pass by so quickly. I guess that's the beauty of having an office. If you don't see everyone that comes in and out of the elevator, you don't feel like time is dragging on. I wish I could keep it but its owner's gonna come back at some point. A quick glance at the clock lets me know that it's time for my meeting with the band. They better be here already. Keith hates it when someone shows up just a minute late. I step out of my temporary office to see three boys and a girl sitting on the uncomfortable seats. They all stand up at the same time and nervously stare at me as I approach them. I've never been in their spot per say but I know exactly how they feel. I know how it feels when you realize that your life is about to change.

_As he slowly drifted back to consciousness, Zack moved to hold Kahlan in his arms but only found emptiness. He opened an eye to look at the clock on her bedside table and groaned at the early hour of the morning. They had no reason to be up. Both of their schools had been closed because of the snowstorm and they didn't have to meet up with the guys till the afternoon. He draped the covers around his body and made his way to their balcony. Kahlan loved to watch the sunrise. The pretty colors brought hopes for the day to come, she said. As expected, he found her standing there to stare at the landscape. _

"_The bed is cold without you." Zack whispered into her ears, wrapping his arms around her waist and bringing the covers around her thin body in the process. He noticed that her skin was icy cold and wondered how long she had been there for. _

"_I didn't want to wake you up." Kahlan replied distantly, eyes focused on the sky above them. She wanted to stare at him instead but he could read right through her when he looked into her eyes and she couldn't have that today. She didn't want another almost perfect day to be clouded by her worries._

"_You haven't slept much lately." Zack noticed after a couple of minutes of silence, fingertips delicately brushing over her skin. He had woken up to an empty bed quite a few times over the last couple of weeks and it started to worry him a little. Kahlan had never been much of a late sleeper but she liked to hang out in bed all morning when they had nothing else to do. _

"_I don't want things to change, ever." Kahlan murmured with the faint hope that Zack wouldn't hear it but she knew he did by the way his hands looked for hers under the covers and how he laced his fingers with hers. He always did that when he wanted to comfort her and she didn't mind it to the least. She loved how they fitted together, almost perfectly. _

"_Nothing's going to change." Zack promised and softly kissed her neck. It was a lie and they both knew it. A lot of things were going to be different after graduation. Hopeless had made a point to send them on tour more often and have them work with the best producers around. Everything related to All Time Low was going to be bigger now and outcomes would come along. It was inevitable. _

"_You're going to be away a lot more." _

"_We'll need our manager with us."_

"_I'll have classes to attend here." She reminded him with a sigh. College education was her parents' condition to let her move in with Zack on their senior year of high school. It was a small prize to pay for his face to be the first and last thing to catch her gaze every day. She just wished it didn't mean being apart for weeks or even months after graduation and till the end of her studies. _

"_We'll be okay, Kahlan. No matter how long I'll be gone for, I'll always come back to you. I love you and nothing's going to change that." Zack assured with a smile and tightened his grip on her. Kahlan still managed to turn around to face him. She locked her hands behind his head and leant up to kiss him softly. The weak voice in her head kept on repeating that change was inevitable but she decided to ignore it for a little bit longer and just make the best out of their time together before… before everything. _

"_Let's go back to bed." _

These flashbacks are getting me worried now. Not only are they more and more frequent with every passing day but I also find it harder and harder to focus back on present time. My reality check appears under the form of a small paper ball thrown directly in my face and I have to shake my head a little to remember where I am and what I'm doing here. All four members of Crossing Coldwater are staring at me with a funny expression but I can't really blame them. I've been zoning out on them more often than never and we've only met a few times. They remind me of the past a bit too much for my liking.

"Kahlan Carter, you haven't changed a bit!" A voice I know well exclaim from behind me. I waste no time to turn around and here he stand; the one and only Robert Rian Dawson. I didn't think I'd ever see him around. He has never been one to care about all the management stuff. He just went with whatever the others had decided most of the time. He's a "going with the flow" kind of guy. Or he used to be but a lot have changed in three years.

"Rian Dawson, you don't look the same at all!" I laugh as I take in his appearance. He has never been bad looking but he definitely looks better now than he did three years ago. It's amazing what a haircut can do to someone. It changes a lot.

"Amazing what a few pounds can do to you, eh?" He jokes, flashing his one million dollars smile. That's one thing that hasn't change about him. He could swoon whomever he wants with that grin of him but he's as faithful to Kara as a nun to God. Well, he was at least. I have to stop thinking everything's still the same. Everything's different now; that's a fact.

"Ri, we have to rush." Jack mutters without a glance at me and I feel the coldness brush me like wind in wintertime. I thought he'd stop giving me the cold shoulder after a while but it looks highly unlikely now. He has a way to turn my smiles into frowns with just a few words and I don't like it to the least. It'll have to stop sooner or later; one way or another.

"Go ahead, I'll follow." Rian tells him and nods discreetly. I wonder if it means something in their language. If it does, Jack got the hint because he waste no time to walk away. It may just be that he doesn't want to see dear old me any longer. I don't know and I honestly don't want to know either.

"He's not my biggest fan, eh?"

"We have to fill in papers to get a visa. It makes him cranky." Rian lies a little bit better than he did back in high school but he's still rubbish at it. Jack pretty much hates me now and there's not much I can do to change his opinion. I shouldn't have expected less from him. I always knew about his tendency to hold a grudge.

"I have to go but I'll see you around?" Rian says after a few seconds of silence. It's a good way to snap me out of my thoughts. I try to think of something to say but nothing comes out. He just smiles once more and jogs in direction of Jack who stopped to wait for him a few feet away from me. Yes, he hates me for real.

"Where did I see these dudes before?" Kaya ponders out loud, a light frown on her face as she concentrates to figure it out. It can't be that big of a mystery. With their album being released in just a few days, they are pretty much everywhere these days. They don't do much TV but they're always on the road.

"They tour a lot."

"We're Canadians, we don't do American tour." Gunar enlightens a fair point but that doesn't make it less possible. The guys did a few dates in Canada with Warped. Not that I can imagine any of them going on Warped but I don't know them all that much yet. They could be full of surprises.

"Oh, I know. It was on MTV."

I watch the door of the elevator close on Crossing Coldwater's band members with a feeling of contentment rushing through my veins. I can't believe Keith actually agreed to let me manage them on my own. He didn't even ask Nano to supervise me like I thought he would. It feels so go to realize that he actually trust me enough to give me a shot. I'm not going to fuck him up. I'm not going to let him down. To hell my cold former friends, I'm not going anywhere anymore. Except to the coffee machine. I haven't slept much last night and I need something to keep me awake. I don't know anything better than coffee to aim that purpose. It helped me through many sleepy days back in my College years.

"I thought you could do with caffeine." Jack says quickly, handing me a cup of freshly made coffee. I could swear I'm seeing a smile on his face. I must have fallen asleep during the meeting and this is all a dream. I don't know why I would be dreaming about Jack being nice to me but there's no other explanation.

"You look tired." He adds before I got a chance to thank him for the coffee. When I think about it, I don't think I should drink it. He could have poisoned it to get rid of me forever. It's something he could have done. Who am I kidding? He couldn't even kill an annoying fly, let alone his former best friend.

"You still get stressed out when your band is on the line, eh?" Jack tries to make conversation. There's something wrong about it. I don't know why but it doesn't feel right. It would have been almost natural if he hasn't been giving me the cold shoulder for the last month or so. Now, it's just weird.

"I'm sorry but what is it with you? No longer than an hour ago, you couldn't wait to get away from me and now, you're talking to me like it's casualty. I just… I don't understand."

"I figured we could at least try to be civil to each other, considering you're working here and I tend to come over pretty often." Jack replies with a simple shrug. I can't quite believe it. I don't think he came to that conclusion on his own, not after a month of seeing me pretty much every day. Something tells me that Rian isn't a stranger to that twist in the situation.

"Uh, so you're going to work with the dudes from earlier?" He stutters a little, pushing his hands deep into his pockets and looking at his feet. He used to do that a lot when he was nervous or embarrassed. He has no reason to be embarrassed right now and the whole 'be civil to each other' situation could be rather nerve wrecking. Actually, it's strange enough for me to turn mute.

"Is the chick their singer?" He asks a lot of question today. I start to think we're playing twenty questions but I should reply to him for the game to be fair. Hell, I should be allowed to ask twenty questions myself for it to be fair. I just have to stop nodding like a dummy and actually voice my answer.

"You know that you're going to break your teeth on them, right?" He laughs a little, finally looking up at me. It's not like I didn't expect suck remarks but I didn't think Jack would be the one to make them. They started as a bunch of horny kids dreaming to be the next New Found Glory or Blink 182. No one gave them more than a few months in the showbiz and yet here they are, one of the biggest rock bands of the moment. He should know better than to judge a cover.

"Only time will tell." I reply with a smile that I hope honest enough. I may be a bit bothered by his assumptions but I don't want to give him the wrong impression. We're just starting to make progress and I don't want to mess it up.

"You're lucky she's a hottie." Jack mutters with a weak smile. It's seriously getting on my nerve now. He hasn't listened to them and he assumes they're going to sound just like any chick band. He's not being fair to them. I expected better from him. I wish there was a way to prove him wrong. Oh wait, there is a way.

"Why won't you come with me to see them play tonight?"

"I'm going out with friends tonight."


	4. Chapter 4

Here's for the only reader I've got, ahah. Thanks Londonpunker14 for sticking around & reviewing and everything.

This is my favorite chapter so far, mostly because it has the most waited moment ever: Zack's reaction

**Chapter 4: Hello Again**

Today is yesterday's tomorrow, which means Zack's coming to AMG, which means I'm not looking forward to step into the building. That's why I've asked Faith to meet me in a coffee shop near the office. I can't go anywhere further from the building. My break only lasts for half an hour. Plus, I can see who's getting into the building without being noticed from here. I wonder if it makes a stalker out of me. I'd say it does but I don't mind. I just want to see him before I have to face him. I want to know if he changed even just a tiny bit or if he's still the same handsome boy I fell in love with all these years ago. I have to know how he looks like. I have to know how hard it'll be to look at him.

"You know that stalking is punished by the law, right?" Faith points out as she takes a seat next to me. It asks a lot out of me to tear my eyes away from the window and glance at her. I don't like the smile on her face. It reminds me of high school, when she went through her 'Miss-know-it-all' phase. Gosh, I hated that time. She leaded me into a few disasters with her bad advices.

"I'm just watching random people walk down the street." I lie, evidently. I couldn't even describe anyone in that street. All I'm seeing is AMG's building. My focus is on the gates and my vision seems to be blurry all around that point.

"And here I was, thinking you were waiting for an ex-boyfriend of yours to show up on said street." Faith humors me now. I can't believe she's doing that. She's not supposed to mock me. She's supposed to support me through it all. That's what sisters are here for.

"If you want to see him, just go back to work."

"I can't face him just yet."

"Listen, he may not want to talk to you ever again but it won't kill you."

"I miss him, Faith. I spent the last three years missing him and now, I have a chance to make it right. I just… I want my best friend back." I've finally said it. It took me a long time to admit it to myself and even longer to say it out loud. I spent the last year trying to be fair to my present by ignoring my past but I can't do it anymore. It's not going to be easy but I'll change the past into the present. It's worth a try. I have nothing to lose anyway.

"If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that you and Zack will work it out." Faith assures and I envy her confidence. She believes that Zack and I are meant to be together. She doesn't say it in so many words but her acts reveals more than she realizes. I used to share her beliefs but not anymore. I'm with Luke now and I just want to be friends with Zack. I just don't know if that's even possible. We've never been just friends before. There has always been something more.

"I hope you're right." I murmur before turning back to the window, just in time to see a car stop next to the building. Someone gets out of it and I forget to breathe for a minute. I can't see his face and he looks nothing like my Zack but I know it's him. No other guy can speed up my heartbeat with a simple glimpse at his back.

There's a voice in my head telling me to take Nano on his offer and spend the day outside of the office but I don't want to listen to it this time. I'm going to step out of this damn elevator and face Zack for the first time in three years. It's not going to be easy but I'm going to nail it. I don't care if it takes me a lifetime, I'll have my friends back. No matter what it takes, I'm going to get my old life back. The bell rings to signal the opening of the doors. The air gets caught in my throat as I notice Zack standing there. I take in a deep breath and walk out of the small room. Everything happens so fast after that. Rian stops talking and just stares at me. Zack turns around to see what he's looking at. The smile on his face fades away like snow in a sunny day. I start to walk in their direction. Zack shakes his head and leaves. I'm left here with Rian. I won't break down. Not yet.

"Don't look so defeated." Rian says from next to me and bumps his shoulder against mine. He's smirking and I don't like that. It's like he knows something that I don't. He probably does know a lot more than I do but it's not the point.

"A polar bear couldn't defeat me." I lie without ease. I've never been that good of a liar, really. My friends have always been able to call me out on my stories. They knew when I was going to lie even before I opened my mouth. According to Alex, I blink a few times in a row when I get ready to say something I don't mean.

"Looks like Zachary Merrick is stronger than a polar bear."

"I've heard that he works out a lot nowadays." I try to joke but miserably fail. Rian just stares at me with his eyebrow knitted together and I wonder what he's thinking about right now. I think my failed attempt of a joke came out wrong and made me sound like a desperate fangirl desperately looking for information on the band of her dreams.

"It's his way to put all worries aside." Rian says with a weak smile. Somehow, it doesn't surprise me. I always wondered why he didn't join a team back in high school but I didn't try to push him into one either. Selfishly, I didn't want him to become the star of a playground.

"After you left, he… he was a mess. He didn't get out of his house or talk to anyone for weeks. He barely ate at all, for that matter. It came to the point that we had to watch him to make sure he wasn't doing anything stupid. You really fucked him up and he can't go through that again."

"I fucked up big time and I hurt him bad! I know that, okay? It's been killing me for the last three years now and I really don't need you or Jack to remind me of what I did all the freaking time!" I spit out through gritted teeth, partly because I don't want everyone to hear what I have to say but mostly because I have no right to yell at him. He's just trying to protect his best friend. I'd do the same if someone messed up with Faith. Actually, I'd probably kill them with bare hands.

"I just wanted you to know why he won't let you fall back into his life without a fight."

I couldn't be happier to have so much work to do. I won't have much time to think about anything and it's exactly what I need right now. There are a lot of things I'll have to figure out eventually but I can't do it just yet. I'm not ready to give up on Zack yet but I'm not ready to face the situation either. I won't make the same mistake twice. I won't run away this time. With that decision made, I grab my bag and make my way to the elevator. It's a good thin I'm thin as I barely manage to slip in through the doors before they close. I could have wait but I can't be bother. The less time I spend in the office, the better. I lean against the wall and wait for the bell to ring but instead, it's a phone that I hear and it makes me jump out of my skin. Here stands Zack, clutching at his phone like his life depends on it. I open my mouth to say something but decide otherwise when I see the look on his face. It's going to be a lot harder than I thought.

_Fourteen years old Kahlan sat on the beach, knees brought against her chest to lean her chin on it. She couldn't believe their summer holidays were coming to an end. The last two weeks had gone faster than the last two months but time always went faster when she was with her best friend. She wished they had spent more time together over the summer but she had been an idiot and chase a guy who wasn't worth any of it. It took her a long time to realize who was worth everything she had to offer but now that she figured it out, she had to forget about it. She'd never have him. She just couldn't take the risk to lose him. Not now, not ever. _

"_It's getting late." Zack announced but sat next to her anyway. He had been looking for her all around the small town they had been staying at for the last two weeks but he should have known that she'd be on the beach. She loved to sit there and watch the sunset. She said it was the best of time to reflect on life. He only followed her there because he loved to sit next to her. _

"_It's never too late." Kahlan replied, eyes focused on the ocean in front of her. It was their last night in California and she wanted to make the most out of it. As long as it didn't involve a crazy night out or anything like that. She wasn't much of a partier and it wasn't just because she was just over fourteen. She heard the recognizable click of Zack's camera and turned her head around to look at him. _

"_Are you going to get back with Elizabeth?" Kahlan asked softly after a few seconds of silence. The girl was as fake as Pamela Anderson's boobs but Zack seemed to like her a lot so she'd try to get along with her if he asked her. She'd do anything for him; even befriend the devil. _

"_Looks like it's only you and me again." Zack answered with a shrug before taking one last picture of the landscape. He looked down at her and felt these butterflies his grandfather had told him about, the ones supposed to appear with that one girl only. He always thought Kahlan could be his one and only but it had never appeared as obvious as tonight. _

"_Just like it should be." He whispered to himself and took his camera back to snap one more picture. He focused the lens on her face and pushed on the button before she could react. He wanted to remember the moment when he realized just how beautiful she was, with her blonde hair falling freely on her shoulders and her blue eyes reflecting the moonlight. It didn't take her long to notice him and hide her face in her hands. He put the camera down and took her hands in his, lacing their fingers together. _

"_Are you going to kiss me?" Kahlan asked with a light blush on her cheeks. Zack just stared at her for a few seconds with a smile tugging at the end of his lips. Then, he leant down and pushed his lips against hers. It was soft, sweet and slow. Everything a loving kiss should be. Everything a first kiss should be._

The elevator comes to an abrupt stop and I grab the closest thing to my hand not to fall. Sadly, the closest thing turns out to be Zack's arm and judging by the look on his face, he does not like that. I let go of him as quickly as possible but it doesn't seem to be quick enough. I have to get away from him now but it appears to be kind of hard to do when stuck in a closet seize lift. I take a look at the control board, trying to get us moving by hitting a couple of buttons like 'open doors' or 'level 1' but it doesn't work to the least. It looks like there is no intercom or phone or anything like that. All I can see is an emergency button. I'm trapped in an elevator with an ex-boyfriend who seems ready to call me. If that's not an emergency, then I don't know what is.

"I'll call Nano to tell him we're stuck here." I sigh as I look through my bag to find my phone. I really need to get a smaller bag one day or learn to put my phone in my jacket's pocket or something like that. It'll save me a lot of trouble.

"Do you think he's going to use his secret powers to get us out of here?" Zack asks with no humor in his voice. It sends chills up my spine but it's not good chills. It's more like "Gosh, he's an ass" kind of chills. I don't like it.

"I think he knows who to call to get us out of here." I answer wisely and with calm. I'm proud of myself. I'm not going to get into his game. I'm just going to let him be whoever he wants to be today. If that's a twat, then bring it on.

"Can't you just call the fire department?" He marks a point. I could have called the fire department. They are, after all, here to help. I'm not going to tell him he's right. I still have my pride and I'm sure Nano will handle the situation from there.

"Firemen don't fix lifts."

"They get cats down trees."

"Hey Nano, the lift seems to be out of service and I'm trapped into it." I announce without letting him time to greet me over the phone. Time is precious right now. I don't have any to waste with small talk.

"We know. We called for help already. It should be fixed in about an hour."

"Zack's in there with me." I don't know why I feel the need to point that out. It's not like it was going to change anything. They won't be able to work faster because of All Time Low's bassist.

"Just don't kill each other." Nano laughs and hangs up without waiting for an answer. The situation is everything but funny. Zack is staring at me with such intensity that I'm wondering if he's not trying to blow my head off. I'm lucky that the killing glare is only working in movies but I still hope they'll get us out of here in no time.

"They're working on it."

We've been stuck in there for two hours and a half hour now. Two and a half hour of complete silence and it's getting old now. Zack won't even look at me for more than a second. It looks like he's mentally slapping himself in the face every time he catches himself glancing my way. I expected him to hate me and maybe want to kill me but not to just ignore me. I don't know how to deal with oblivion but I know how to deal with anger. As strange as it sounds, I wish he yelled at me right now or through reminisces of my phone at my face. I wish he had some kind of reaction, just so I'd know that he still cares. It'd be better than this.

"Faith told me that you moved to California." I say to break the heavy silence and kind of surprise myself with the mention of Faith. I know that she kept in touch with the guys after I took off but she tries not to mention them too often. I used to ask how they were doing at first but then it got too painful. Selfishly, I didn't want to know that they were moving on and having a good life without me.

"Your sister should try to keep her mouth close for a change." Zack literally spits the words out but I see the shadow of a smile on his face. I used to be jealous of his connection with Faith. I knew that there was nothing more than friendship between them but I felt like we had lost our own connection after that kiss on the beach. I later found out that they only bonded because of me. Zack needed to talk about his confusion and Faith was happy to talk to him about mine.

"Why did you move there?" I should try to think before I talk. It'll save me a lot of trouble and probably some embarrassing moments too. I used to wonder why he had moved to Huntington Beach two years after I had left for Palo Alto. A part of me wanted it to be because he thought about giving us a second chance but when he didn't call, I stopped hoping for him to love me again.

"Why did you move back here?"

"I got a job here. That's how we got trap in that stupid lift together, remember?"

"You could have taken a job nearer to Palo Alto." He points out, not knowing just how right he is. I got a few offers better than the one I got at AMG but I didn't want to break things up with Luke. I just can't tell Zack about it.

"You didn't answer my question." I try to change the subject but I have no hope. If there's one thing to know about Zachary Merrick, it's that he'll always want to have the last word and he actually has it, most of the time.

"You didn't give me an honest answer."

I look at my watch and sigh heavily. I'm never going to believe Nano's word, ever again. He said the elevator would be fixed in about half an hour and it had been more than three hours now. We can't even call him back because Zack decided that it was okay to crush my phone out of frustration. We could use his cellular but he ran out of battery an hour ago. Today couldn't have been any better, really. I missed an important meeting with Crossing Coldwater and my ex-boyfriend destroyed my phone. I don't know how I'm going to explain that one to Luke. I could just say the truth and leave the 'ex-boyfriend' part out of the picture. I can already hear Faith telling me that I should tell him about Zack. I tried to talk to him about my past on many occasions but I never managed to get through it. It was just too hard for some reason.

"I wanted to be closer to you." Zack breathes out, which startles me a little bit. Not because I didn't expect him to talk but because his word doesn't make much sense to me. He needs to be more precise on the why, how and when. I can't figure anything out without these precious details.

"You wanted to know why I moved to California." He adds and I guess it's to dismay the confusion on my face but it doesn't work at all. I should say something, anything. I have so many questions running through my head but none of them wants to come out of my mouth. I just don't understand.

"Why did you come back?" Zack asks again after a few seconds. I consider telling him about how Luke's job at the hospital but I realize now that it's not a truthful reason, no more than my job at AMG. I didn't come back to follow my boyfriend. I came back to see what could be saved from the ruins of my old life.

"I wanted to be closer to you."

PS: I'm going on Holidays sometimes next week so I don't know when I'll be able to have the next chapter up. Within two weeks, that's for sure


	5. Chapter 5

Here I come bearing a new chapter. I'm not entirely happy with it but it's the best draw I've got.

**Chapter 5: Fell in Love Without You**

It's been two weeks since the lift incident. Two weeks since the guys left to be on Warped tour again. Two weeks since I last spoke to any of them. A lot has happened over the last couple of weeks. With Crossing Coldwater recording their first EP under Fearless Records' signature, I shouldn't have enough time left to miss anyone. Actually, time should have flown by faster than my train of thought but it seems to drag on instead. To be back at Orion Sound Studio and to work with Scotty Veils again brings back too many memories. No matter how hard I try to focus on whoever's in the booth, I just can't keep these past moments out of my mind. None of them are painful but they all leave me with a strange feeling.

"You're listening to the Jonas Brothers, really?" Kaya couldn't sound more disappointed if she had tried. I throw a quick glance at her and notice my I-pod in her hand. Somehow, I think I should have realized the music had stopped. The drive from her apartment to the studio is way too long for my liking. I shouldn't have offered to drive her there. But I'm so happy to have my precious car back.

"They have a few good songs." I state a true fact. I can't deny that they mostly have crappy pop songs without an ounce of interest but somewhere in their catalogue, there are a couple of good songs. It doesn't mean that they have any material to become the best band ever created.

"They are a manufactured bunch of talentless idiots." Kaya points out and I can't help the grin that creeps on my face. It's funny how she argues on something I already know. I don't need to be convinced on their lack of sincerity. I'm not going to argue back when I have the same beliefs.

"If you weren't the best manager we've ever had, I'd fire you right here and now." Kaya threatens people a lot but she never goes through with it. I haven't been working with them for too very long yet but I already figured them out. Or I think I did, at least. I still expect to be surprised at any time.

"What happened to your other managers?" My question doesn't come from a hunt of information but from plain curiosity. I'm not scared to get fired anyway. Not only am I good at my job but I also have them under contract. Nano or Keith could easily replace me but they have too much work of their own.

"He asked me to make a choice and I decided to stay with Taylor. Obviously, he didn't like it much and walked out on us."

"Ex-boyfriend or unrequited crush?"

"Neither. He's my father."

"Fathers can be real pain sometimes. Especially if they don't like your boyfriend." And I know what I'm talking about. My father has always been a 'Pro-Zack', as Faith likes to say. For some reason, he thinks that only Zack can make me happy and blooming and whatever. Therefore, he hates Luke with all he has and makes a point of reminding him every time they're in the same room.

"He loved Taylor like his own son. Actually, I think that's the main issue but I never tried to understand. There's no good reason to ask your daughter to break up with her boyfriend." She reasons and makes a lot of sense.

"Have you talked to him since?"

"Not once but I can't bring myself to regret it. No matter how rocky our relationship can be, Taylor will always be my best friend. I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself if I let him down." She talks to herself more than anything but she makes a lot of sense to me.

One decision. It only takes one decision to make a difference. That's what this morning's car conversation taught me. Everything Kaya said on Taylor sounds like something I could have said on Zack. They are childhood friends turned lovers. They had to prove the sincerity of their feelings to everyone, especially their parents. It reminds me a lot of another story and I don't know what to make out of it. I can't shake her words out of my mind and it makes me wonder. If I didn't just run away three years again, things would be a lot different. If I stayed here, Zack and I would still be together. If I called him once in a while, Jack and I would still be friends. If I had known what was at stake, I wouldn't have let my friends down. But I knew. I knew I'd lose them. I knew I'd lose him. I just didn't want to admit it at the time. A part of me still doesn't want to admit it today. If I could, I would do it all over again.

"Who's on your pretty blonde head?" Kaya's voice dismisses all the 'what if' that crept their way into my mind. She drops on the seat right in front of me while I weight my options. I could say the truth or I could lie.

"Your track list. I think we should record one more song." I reply, knowing that it's not the answer she wants to hear. I don't want to lie because I'm too bad of a liar but I can't tell the truth either. I don't know her enough to tell her that all I'm thinking about is my ex-boyfriend who I ran away from three years ago.

"We don't have time or money. Who's on your mind?" The little bugger insists and I don't like it. I have a fair idea of what she'd think of me if she ever knew what's on my mind and I can't have her seeing me as a prick completely unable to decide what she wants from life.

"And don't tell me 'no one' because your sparkling eyes betray you." She doesn't make any sense. There's no such thing as sparkling eyes. Unless a light temporary blinds you, then a sparks can appear but only because of the reflection. But we didn't turn up any artificial bulb here. The sun's shining up in the sky, we don't need any more light.

"Your eyes never sparkled before." She adds before I could question her statement. I don't want to hear what she has to say anyway. I don't want to know that her words were accurate. Even if my eyes did sparkle, it wasn't because of the right guy so I don't want to admit it. Ever.

"We have enough money to book you in for another day. We'll just have to records melody and voice all at once." I won't cave and tell her who's on my mind. I won't tell her my ex-boyfriend's haunting my thought like a ghost haunts an old valedictorian area house. I won't tell anyone, not even Faith.

"Why don't you want to answer my question?" She keeps asking questions to bring me back to the subject at hands. She won't let it go as easily as I thought and it bums me out to no end. I don't have time to deal with her curiosity.

"We don't have time to waste with chit-chat."

My lunch break couldn't have been at a better time, really. Kaya started to seriously get on my never with her questions. She wants to know everything from my birth to tomorrow and it's freaking me out. The worse isn't the Spanish Inquisition but the realization that it brings up. I used to feel a lot more alive. I used to wait each and every day with growing impatience. I used to have constant glitters in my eyes. It's different now. Everything's changed. My eyes turned darker than ever and I don't feel much of anything anymore. I'm like dead in the inside, just going through the motion. I've never told Luke that I love him. I feel for him and I care about him but I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't think I've ever been in love with him to be honest but I can't let go of him either. I must be the most egoistical girl on earth.

"What brought you back to MD?" Kaya doesn't even have a foot in the studio that she's already asking questions. That's why I've never had any girl friends. Girls are way too noisy and Kaya is a stereotypical girl. She reminds me of Faith, like a lot. Neither of them will ever let anything slip.

"My family and friends live here." That's too simple of an answer and I know that it won't be enough to satisfy her curiosity but it's all I have to offer. I've never had many friends but the few I had were the best and I've missed them every day oft the last three years. I know that things will never be the same between us but having them back in my life, even superficially, is better than nothing.

"It didn't stop you before." She speaks the truth here. I could have stayed and go to Towson University but I decided to go to Stanford instead. I lost everything I ever cared about but I can't bring myself to regret it anyway. I had one perfect life here with a perfect boyfriend and three perfect best friends. I couldn't handle it, being 18 and having my life all figured out was too much for me. I freaked out.

"You came back for a guy, didn't you?" She states more than asks and doesn't expect me to answer. I don't have anything to say anyway. I'm still confused as of why I decided to come back here. I didn't follow Luke for the sake of it. His internship has never been more than an excuse to move back to Baltimore.

"I came back for me." I voice a realization that just sunk into my skull. Luke has nothing to do with my presence here. I was going to come back anyway. I was going to try and fix the mess I made three years ago. With my Bachelor in hands, I had no reason to stay in California and every reason to be back in Maryland. I was just too scared to admit it and needed a push in the right direction.

_Everything was silent in studio 2 of the Orion Sound Studio and Kahlan surprised herself enjoying that moment of peace. Her friends had been recording non-stop for the last two days and it started to make her head hurt. Lack of sleep and proper food didn't help with the matter at hands. She couldn't even imagine how the guys' must feel right now. She didn't have the greatest night ever but she had slept a couple of hours. They didn't catch any sleep in over 36 hours and only ate garbage food. They looked like zombies on cocaine but she couldn't be any more proud of them. In under a year, they had been signed under Emerald Records and recorded an EP. Fair enough, it'd never be released and only Alex owned a copy of it but it leaded to this full-length. Everything was going so fast now. _

"_Hey, you're alright?" Alex's voice filled the room, concerned evident in his tone. He half expected her to go home after a few hours but she only left to get them food. 37 hours into the recording of their first ever full-length and their manager didn't seem ready to leave them on their own, even if it meant a second night on an uncomfortable couch. She must really love them or have nothing better to do. _

"_Yeah, just thinking." Kahlan replied with a smile, moving on the very end of the couch so Alex could sit next to her. The singer lied down instead and rested his head on her laps, eyes on the ceiling. She didn't notice just how tired he looked till now. He had huge dark bags under his eyes and it seemed to be a struggle to not just close them right now. How he managed to not pass out was a mystery. _

"_You should close your eyes for a bit." Kahlan urged softly, absently running a hand through his hair. A weak grin crept its way on the singer's face but he did as he was told. He wasn't one to stand up against her. She may be short but she wasn't any less strong. Jack should be able to testify once his toe properly healed. _

"_Do you think Emerald will release our work this time?" Alex sighed, eyes firmly closed. He could have fallen asleep right here and now if he didn't have so many worries running through his head. He was thankful to have Kahlan there. She was the only one who could calm him down with nothing more than a word. She was the only one who knew how to handle his anxious breakdown. _

"_Let me deal with that and concentrate on your music." Kahlan replied with yet another smile, fingers playing with Alex's longish locks. A comfortable silence settled around the two teenagers, both getting lost in their own world. _

"_What did we do to deserve you?" Alex asked after a bit, eyes opened to stare at the girl above him. He loved her but not like a potential girlfriend. Zack and her were meant to be together and no one would be stupid enough to try to break them up. No, Kahlan was more like the twin sister he wished he had. _

"_You gave my boyfriend a chance."_

"_What can I say? The guy knows how to skate." Alex answered with a shrug and a smirk. They would have asked Zack to join the band even if he couldn't stand up on a board and not only because he dated Kahlan. He was the best bassist they had auditioned that day and also the only one who could actually play the bass. _

"_Is it what you're going to tell the journalists?"_

"_Would you rather read that we only took him in because we dig you too much?" _

"_Stick to the triple kickflip story."_

"_Do you really think we'll have interviews and everything?" Alex asked after a few seconds. He wanted it so badly but sometimes, he doubted he'd never happened. He was grateful for everything they had now, not every high school bands managed to get a label and record a full length, but he wanted more. Always more. _

"_I think you're going to be bigger than Blink 182." Kahlan affirmed with all the confidence she had. She didn't really believe that but she knew that they'd be good. They had talents and good looks, everything you needed to success nowadays. Soon enough, they'd have thousands of girls screaming their lungs out to get noticed. _

"_Dreams only last for a night, Kahlan." _

"_Only if you want them to end, Alex." _

When Keith got me the green light with Crossing Coldwater, I promised myself not to be friends with any of them. It stinks too much when you can't give them what they need anymore. I've burnt my wings once and I'm not ready to set them on fire again. Yet, here I am, sitting on Kaya's couch with hot cocoa while waiting for the guys to drop by and listen to the final mix of their first song. I try to comfort myself with the idea that I'm here because of work but it's just another lie I'm telling myself. We shouldn't have taken Scotty's hard-drive with us. He shouldn't have let us go with it. I shouldn't have let Kaya convince me. There are a lot of things none of them should have done but we did every single one of them anyway. Human behavior is a mystery.

"It's hard to believe that our future is in that tiny little thing." Kaya pulls me out of my thoughts and I glance at her to see the hard-drive securely encased in her hands. I can't help but smile at the look on her face. It's like she's staring at the most precious thing on earth. Maybe she is. Maybe that tiny little thing is the most precious thing she'll ever hold.

"Do you think Fearless will like it?" She asks but she knows the answer. She knew it before I did. They are businessmen and believe in money more than talent. Either they like Crossing Coldwater or not doesn't matter all that much. What matters is what their target audience will think of it.

"They'd be crazy not to." I reply with all the confidence I have left. They won't change the music world or break grounds but they have potential. They have that sad emotional feelings in their lyrics and their melodies are catchy if nothing else. They deserve a chance to show what they're worth.

"Whatever it is you want to show us better be extra good." Manny whines and drops on the couch next to me. I didn't even see them come in. They can't have been so quiet, can they?

"They were in the middle of a 'World of War II' party." Taylor explains with a roll of his eyes and sits on the armrest next to Kaya, kissing her forehead ever so slightly. I can't help but notice how her whole face lights up when he's in the room. That's exactly how it should be. Love's not supposed to make you look miserable. Love's supposed to make you look happy.

"That game is so overrated."

"Just tell us what we're doing here, right?" Gunnar sighs as he sits on the floor. I didn't even realize just how small the apartment was until now. There's just enough place for the five of us. Kaya grins at her friends and holds up the hard-drive. I'd like to laugh at her expression right now but it'd kill the mood.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we're all gathered here today to celebrate the birth of our first pro-recorded song ever. Let me introduce you to 'If I could be' final mix."

"Seriously? What are you waiting for, turn it on!"

"Kahlan, will you do us the honor?" Kaya says and hands me the hard-drive as if it was the sword of truth or something like that. I almost expect her to kneel down and bow at the object. I can't help the snicker that leaves my mouth as I take it to plug it onto my computer. It's not long before the slow melody of their ballad fills the room. I watch their faces as they take in Scotty's work and smile when they all seem pretty happy with the result. I have to say, he did a great job on it. It's not their best piece, it's too simple and play on the over-used build up, but Kaya wanted it on the EP so bad, neither of us at the heart to tell her 'no'. That's a good thing. This song will get them the expected audience.

_If I could, if I could be one thing_

_Then I would, then I would be something_

_You can't live without_

_because I can't live without you_

_If you could, if you could be one thing_

_Then you should, then you should be something_

_That I can scream about_

_because I won't live without you_

"Wow, it sounds exactly like it did in my mind." Taylor acknowledges, a contemplative look on his face. It makes sense now, why Kaya fought for that specific song. Not only did she write it for him but he also co-wrote it with her. It's their song. I know how much meaning it has for her, for them.

"Your friend did a great job." Manny says with a weak smile and a light blush. His shyness is cute and amusing. A friend once told me that every band has a goofy dude, a sweet lover, a shy cutie and a whore. I guess Manny's the shy cutie and Taylor's the sweet lover. No one will think the same, not at first sight at least.

"Who's in for a night out to celebrate?" Gunnar asks, excitement evident in his voice. I guess he's pulled the shortest pick to be the whore. It makes a goofy dude out of Kaya. It suits her, actually. She's quite a funny girl when she forgets about the pressure on her shoulders.

"Kahlan, you want to come?" Kaya's voice pulls me out of my little world once again. I've gone to far already. My promise to myself is about to be broken and I can't have that. Kahlan 2.0 doesn't break promises, even stupid ones.

"Raincheck."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Entertain The Pain**

I can't remember my last day off. I tried all morning but nothing came. It must be because I didn't have one in forever. I've been working none stop ever since I got that job at AMG. I stopped counting nights spent at the office to finalize something's related to Crossing Coldwater or just to finish Keith's paperwork with Nano. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm just trying to spend as little time as possible at home. It doesn't feel right to be with Luke anymore. It hasn't felt right for a long time now but I'm too scared to walk out on him. I'm a coward. I've always been a coward. That's what got me in this situation to begin with. I was too scared to stay with Zack so I went to California. I was too scared to be alone so I agreed to go out with Luke. I'm too scared to break his heart so I'm staying with him. It's not fair on him. It's not fair on either of us.

"Have you talked to the guys since they left?" Faith's voice startles me as I managed to drift into my own world again. I seem to do that a lot more than before but I reckon it's due to my desperate attempt to escape the real world. It'd be so much easier if I could just take off but there's too much at stake. I can't just leave like I did three years ago. I don't want to lose everything I have. Not again.

"Alex gave me his number but I can't bring myself to call him." I sheepishly confess and I could go on the sad admission by saying that I dialled his number plenty of times but never got the courage to hit the call button. If I talk to him, I'll just fuel an illusion. We can't go back to what we used to be. Neither Jack nor Zack will ever forgive me for walking out on them. Nothing will ever be the same.

"You're not perfect and you make mistakes but you don't have to be miserable at best. You've got to stop punishing yourself. You have a right to be happy, Kahlan." She has never spoken so much shit in a single conversation. I don't want to live in misery till the end of times. I'm trying to make my life bearable if not perfect.

"I may not have the life I planned but I have everything I've ever wanted." I try my hardest to mean it but it's harder than it seems. I'm not happy. I haven't been in a very long time but I know what I have to do to change that. I have to get a grip. My life is not what I wanted it to be but it's a great life never the less. I have to stop desiring something I can't have and enjoy what I have.

"Zack doesn't hate you, Kahlan. He's just confused and kind of mad but he still loves you. Everyone knows that. Everyone but you." She says with a condescending voice, her hands resting over mine in a comforting gesture. This is weird. It gives me not so good chills. As much as I'd like to believe her, I know better than that. Even if Zack didn't hate me, he couldn't want to be with me anymore. There's a French saying that goes like 'Once the cat got wet, it won't go near water again.' Zack's the cat and I'm the water.

"What's going on in town today? There's a freak loads of traffic. Craziness." Kaya's voice stands out of the noisy atmosphere reigning in the coffee shop. Out of every Starbucks and whatever in Baltimore, she has to step into that one. Something tells me it's not just a coincidence. I'm left speechless as I watch her sit down at our table, completely at ease. What's going on here?

"I invited Kaya to join us today. I hope you don't mind." Faith answers my quiet question and I wonder from where they know each other. There was something like one chance out of a million but it seems like the odds are against me lately. I'll have to talk to my sister later.

"Nah, of course not."

I don't understand what's so great with shopping. To me, it's nothing but a waste of time and money. Clothes are needed to be politically correct in this world but it doesn't have to be the last line of the most known stylist. I don't need to spend hours in Macy's or to empty my bank account in one go to find something to wear. Ten minutes at the vintage store down the street is enough to make me happy. It also keeps my banker happy and if he's happy, my life is less miserable. If I had known Faith was so desperate to go out to have a shopping buddy, I would have stayed home. I have better things to do than to sit on a bench while waiting for my sister and her new best friend to finish their useless errands. I have a life to sort out and a break-up to plan.

"Little Carter?" It's been a little over three years but I'd still recognize that voice anywhere. I grew up listening to that girl's stories. Everything she said was truth to me and to Zack. Sam Merrick had been my role model growing up; I looked up to her more than I ever looked up to my own sister. She was smart, talented, sweet and most of all; Zack loved her to no end.

"What are you doing here? How long have you been back? How long are you staying? Does Zack know you're in town?" She talks too fast for me to register every one of her questions. I've always been amazed by her ability to speak two words a second. I

"I'm waiting for Faith who's lost in a shop, somewhere. I moved here a few months ago so I won't be leaving any time soon. And yes, Zack knows I'm back. I saw him the day before he left." I think I got all of her questions covered.

"I can't believe he didn't tell me." She murmurs with the most genuine surprise I've ever heard in a voice but it doesn't strike me off. I didn't expect him to talk about me. I lost the right to expect anything from him the day I stepped into a plane to California. I lost a lot of things that day.

"I should try and find Faith now." That's the last thing I want to do right now. Shops are like hell on earth to me, and Faith is the evil monster ruling the place. I don't have the greatest life ever but I don't want to give up on it either. Not all of it, at least. I'm losing my focus here.

"Give me your phone." There's something in Sam's voice that makes it impossible not to do what she's asking. I'll probably regret it sometimes soon but I hand my phone to her anyway. It may be just what I need to put my life back on tracks. Sam won't be my key to Zack's good side but it'll be a push in the right direction.

"I'm going to California tonight to bond with my brother some more but once I'll be back, call me and we'll catch up." She's typing her number into my cellphone and talks just as fast as usual. She has always been good a multi-tasker and I've always been amazed by her ability.

"Say 'hi' to the guys for me."

"What have you planned for the next few days?"

"I'll probably be getting over food poisoning." I affirm without the shadow of a doubt. My mother must be the worse cook ever but she tries so hard that no one's got the heart to tell her. We just eat in silence, smile ever so often and throw up once back in the comfort of our apartments. Luckily, Faith is a real chief. We would have starved to death more than once if it weren't for her skills.

"Why won't you come with me? My boyfriend stood me up and I can't get his tickets refund on short notice." She sounds deadly serious but she can't be, really. She can't be asking me to go on Warped with her and spend the next few days with my ex-boyfriend who I'm desperately trying to get over.

"I'm sure Zack would be delighted to see me." I point out, fighting the urge to snicker. Something tells me he'd rather jump out of the bus on a motorway than breathing the same air than me.

"You have no idea, Kahlan."

Hours later and I still can't shake Sam's words out of my mind. I can't quite figure out what she meant by 'you have no idea'. I've been stuck in a bloody lift with Zack for hours; it gave me a fair idea of the current situation. He doesn't want to talk to me; doesn't want to hear me out. He doesn't even want to see me. If it were up to him, he'd forget I ever existed. Then again, he followed me to California. He moved to Huntington Beach to be closer to me. That's what he said but it doesn't make any sense. He knew where to find me but he tried to see me. If he were too mad to talk to me, why would he try to get closer to where I live? I feel like my head's going to explode or boil or something remotely as bad.

"What's wrong?" Faith asks after I hit my forehead against the wooden table a couple times. I don't know how it happened but I completely forgot she was sitting next to me. Actually, I managed to forget where I was for a minute.

"Headache."

"What's your problem with Kaya?" I wish she could just drop the subject now but I know her better than that. My sister's a noisy bugger who won't let a throbbing head gets on her way and I hate her for that.

"I don't have a problem with her." I couldn't be any more truthful than that. I don't have anything against Kaya. She's one of the nicest girls I've ever known. It's just bad timing. We'd have met three years ago; we'd have been great friends.

"She just wants to be your friend, Kahlan." Faith states a fairly known fact. Kaya has always been clear on her intentions. She thinks it'd be a lot easier if we didn't just get along to work together but actually had some sort of link to each other.

"I don't need any more friends."

"You only have a sister and a boyfriend."

"I have mates in Palo Alto."

"Keyword being Palo Alto."

"Alex's my friend. I think." That's the lamest argument I've ever come up with. Alex's not my friend. He hasn't been my friend in years. He doesn't want to go back to the way we were. He just wants to fix what he broke.

"Why can't you call him then?"

"_They can't fire you!" Jack shouted angrily as he paced across the living room. Kahlan had been their manager since day one. She was the brain behind All Time Low. She knew the guys better than anyone else. She knew what they wanted, what they expected and what they aspired to be. No one could fill her spot, ever. _

"_I don't want anyone else to manage us." Rian sighed heavily, dropping on a chair next to Zack. Never in a million years did he expect Hopeless to fire Kahlan. Neither of them did. She may not have a degree of any sort but she had taken them all the way up. It had to count for something._

"_We could give them an ultimatum or something." Jack suggested, finally sitting down next to Kahlan. He couldn't believe Hopeless wanted to get rid of her. All Time Low without Kahlan was like a day out without sun; possible but not great. _

"_If we gamble now, we won't win." Alex stated a fact that he knew the others wanted to ignore but he just couldn't let it happen. What Hopeless Records was offering them was a once in a lifetime chance. If they let it pass, they'd have to give up on their dreams and settle for some random job. It wasn't what he aspired to be._

"_I thought we weren't going to let anyone dictate their law." Zack reminded his friend, referring to a promise they made when they first decided to hunt for a record deal with a proper label. All Time Low had always been about friends jamming together, not just about success and money. _

"_It's a golden opportunity, Zack!"_

"_Not if we have to sell our souls for it!"_

"_We can't play our luck, alright? I'm sorry about what they're doing to Kahlan but there's nothing we can do about it if we want that contract!" _

"_Are you saying you're ready to give up on one of your best friends for a fucking record deal? She gave her everything for you, for us! That's how you thank her?" _

"_Stop talking about me as if I wasn't there!" Kahlan screamed, startling all of the four boys in the room. She had been listening to them bitch around ever since they had come back from the offices and she couldn't stand it anymore. She had to be the reasonable one again and try to calm things down. She didn't give much of a chance to Alex otherwise. _

"_Look Kahlan, I love you but I can't turn them down." Alex beseeched, wishing for his best friend to understand why he couldn't fight for her. He realized that he couldn't have been any more selfish if he had tried and it made him feel like a right asshole but it was their chance. They were finally given a real shot into this industry; they couldn't mess up with the label now. _

"_It's not just about you, Alex." Zack muttered through gritted teeth, fists tightly closed. They couldn't just get rid of Kahlan. Emerald wouldn't have signed them without her insistence. Hopeless wouldn't have given them a second listen without her perseverance. Alex couldn't be any more of an asshole than right about now. _

"_But he's right. This contract is what you always wanted, what you worked your butt out for. You can't decline it." Kahlan murmured, defeat evident in her voice. She didn't want to stop managing All Time Low but she had to do what was best for her friends. Dreams didn't come true very often. She couldn't be the reason why Alex's biggest ambition fell through. He'd never forgive her. And neither would she._

"_Nothing has to change." _

But everything changed. I watched them get everything they ever wanted while everything I ever had was slipping away from me. I tried to convince myself it was all going to get better. I tried to believe that studying at Baltimore's or Towson's University was what I wanted. I tried my hardest but I didn't succeed. I started to blame Alex for everything that was going wrong in my life. I resented him more than I had ever resented anyone. I never told Zack, mostly because I feared his reaction but also because I knew Alex had done what was best for All Time Low. It didn't make it any easier for me to forgive him. I tried to go on but something was broken. I lived on the edge, fearing another disappointment, another betrayal. I didn't feel like I belonged with them anymore but I left my heart with them anyway.

"Can we talk?" I hear myself say once Kaya stands in front of me. She looks stunned but I'm not surprised. I didn't expect myself to knock on her door either. Actually, I don't know what I'm doing here. It's a good thing I lost my sanity three years ago or I'd start to wonder it.

"You, Kahlan Carter, want to talk outside of your office?" She doesn't sound all that happy. I shouldn't have come here unannounced. She could shut the door straight into my face if she wanted to but it looks like she wants to hear me out. Alright, I'm here to talk to her so let's tell her everything.

"I realize that I've been a real douche to you today."

"Just today, really?" She cuts me off. I don't like to be cut off when I'm about to apologize and for that, she won't hear that I'm sorry. I'm going to go straight to the end of my plan; explain to her why I shut her down. Her and pretty much everyone else who's not a part of my family.

"I used to manage All Time Low. They weren't big or anything at the time, just a high school band with potential. We worked perfectly together, not only because I dated the bassist but also because we were friends before everything. Then, they got a deal with Hopeless Record who thought they'd be better off without me. That's when I realized that friendships didn't matter all that much."

"Everything makes sense now." Kaya bellowed quietly with a look of pure concentration on her face. I can say she's trying to remember everything I said or done over the last few months to analyze them with that new bit of information.

"I think it's time to take the walls down."

When Faith took me shopping this morning, I thought I was in for a one-way trip to hell. I was ready to live one of the worst day of my life but it actually had been a great one. I should have talked to Kaya a lot sooner. She helped me with a few things I had to figure out, like where to start to put my life back in order. She has an opinion on everything and it could be annoying but it's actually quite nice to have an outsider's point of view. And to top it off, my mother's ordered take-away, which means no food poisoning for any of us. Sadly, it doesn't mean no dishes for Faith and I to clean up.

"Kaya convinced me to call Alex. She said it was the best way to get over what happened. I have to move on with him and not from him." I don't know why I'm telling her that or why I'm doing it now for anyone to hear. I realize that it doesn't mean anything but actually makes a lot of sense. I tried to forget more than I tried to forgive. It wasn't the right move. The pain's still here and so is the anger. I never got over any of it because I just ran away from it.

"We mostly talked about the weather but it felt good anyway. There were no tension or resentment. It was like we were back in high school, only more mature somehow."

"What about Zack? Are you going to talk to him?" Faith's question doesn't surprise me. She wants Zack and I to patch things up, she made that much clear. She's always been supportive but I don't know why that's so important to her.

"I wish it was that easy."

"You still love him." She states her fact for the hundredth time this week but surprisingly enough, I don't feel like denying it anymore. I don't want to lie anymore. I want to be completely honest now.

"I still love him." I sheepishly confess something we both knew, something everyone knew. I don't believe in second chance in love and so, I know we won't get back together but it doesn't matter all that much. Zack's my first love. He'll always hold a special place of my heart.

"What about me? Do you still love me?"


	7. Chapter 7

I'm not 100% sure to like this chapter but I actually think it's not a band one so, here you go my only yet wonderful reader/commenter

**Chapter 7: Run away**

And here I am again, flying over to California to avoid a conflict. I promised myself not to take the easy way out ever again but it's like a bad habit I can't get away from. I should have stayed and talk to Luke. I should have told him things have been off for a while now. I should have break up with him then and there. Instead, I just took off. I jumped in a cab and headed to the airport. I didn't even take time to pack anything. I'm gonna have to live with the same clothes for the next week. I should really start to think more before jumping in the water head first. Somehow, I don't think going to Mountain View will make my life any easier. If anything it'll make it that much more complicated. I just hope I won't regret it.

"Did they know I'll be there?" I can't help but ask Sam who's reading some kind of magazine next to me. I should have asked before but I didn't have the guts. I couldn't have gone through with it if her answer had been negative.

"Matt knows. He arranged everything." Sam replies casually, not even looking up from her page. It's not Matt I'm worried about. I've met him a couple of times and he seemed nice enough. It's Zack's reaction that I fear the most. I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to ambush him or something. I'm pretty sure he thinks I planned the whole lift disaster, no need to fuel his delirium.

"Zack knows too, kind of." She adds rather quickly but still too casually for my liking. There's nothing casual about what I'm doing. I'm leaving my confused boyfriend to see my ex-boyfriend for who I just admitted to still have feelings, hence the current lover's confusion.

"He knows I asked you to come with me but not that you're actually coming with me." She explains once done with her magazine. I'd say she read the questions on my face but she didn't even look at me. My thoughts must be as readable as a book, even for someone who doesn't know a thing about me anymore.

"How did he take it?" I question quietly and my hands seem to be more interesting than ever before. A part of me wishes it didn't matter that much but it does. Everything depends of his reaction to my arrival. If it turns out he'd rather run all the way to the next city than to have me sleeping on the back lounge's couch, I'll give up all hopes and try to move on. There won't be anything else to do.

"Stop worrying so much, okay? I wouldn't have given you Max's tickets if I thought my brother didn't want to see you." Sam sighs, annoyance clear in her voice. I want to push it and have a proper answer to my question. I should know better than to talk about something they don't want to hear with a Merrick. It's pretty much what got me into that mess to start with. That and my ability to run away from problems.

"How much do you know your brother?"

It must have been one of the longest flight of my life. On the up side, Sam got enough time to tell me everything I missed over the last three years. I was a bit sad to learn that Alex and Lisa didn't make it after everything they went through together. After his brother's suicide, Alex didn't talk to anyone but Lisa. She lovingly helped him through his darkest times and he thanked her by sleeping with random girls more often than never. Somehow, it doesn't surprise me all that much. Alex is bound to disappoint the ones who loved him. It's like a sick yet working way to protect himself. Another thing that doesn't surprise me is Jack and Jenna's fall out. They were cute together and they cared for each other a fair lot but they never appeared as anything more than high school sweetheart. Not like Rian and Kara. These two are like a perfect match, in a "Beauty and the Beast" kind of way. All in all, there's not much I couldn't have guessed after a day with the guys. Sam said Zack was coming to pick her up but I can't see him anywhere. Actually, there's no familiar faces at all in the lounge room. That's what I call being in deep shit.

"Kahlan, over here." Sam calls out from somewhere in the crowd. I wish I could see her among the heads. I've never been good at the whole 'Marco Polo' game. I could walk in circle for hours when Polo was right next to me. Finally, I notice her brown hair emerged from above and make my way to her.

"Sorry I had to take off like that. Zack called and you know how they are with phones inside." She babbles nervously. It can't be good. Something went wrong. She told Zack about me being here and he got angry so she's now looking for a way to send me back home with little damage to my self-esteem.

"Where is he?" I ask because it's better to know than to wonder. If I have to take a flight back to Baltimore now, I'd rather be told straight away. I've been holding onto my misery for far too long now; it's time to call it a day.

"He couldn't make it because of some last minute photoshoot with AP magazine or something like that. He sent someone to pick us up but they're running late." She speaks faster than my brain works but it does register the fact that she said "us". Either he still doesn't know I'm here or he doesn't mind me being here. I'm hoping for the second solution.

"And he didn't go psycho when I told him you were with me so you can relax now." She answers the question I was about to voice before I even got a chance to open my mouth. I suddenly feel like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. I realize that it doesn't mean he wants to see me again but just that he doesn't want me to disappear anymore. It's a start.

"Birdie!" A scream rips through the already noisy airport and if the voice didn't ring a bell, I wouldn't have noticed it in the first place. A smile creeps on my lips when I see a familiar face pushing through the crowd of strangers. I should have known it was him. It only takes him a minute to reach us and wrap his arms around me to lift me off the ground. I scream and giggle at the same time.

"Evan, what did I tell you about jumping on ladies?" A strong voice I don't recognize says from somewhere behind me. I want to turn around to put a face on it but Evan's grip is too tight for me to move a limb. I'll guess he missed me, which is quite surprising when you know we weren't even close to be friends. We tolerated each other but that was it. I didn't think he'd stick around for too very long. I was wrong, obviously.

"But she's not just any lady, she's Birdie!" Evan pouts, sounding like a five years old who's just been grounded by his mother for no apparent reason. It makes me giggle a little. I wonder why I never tried to know him better back when I was still part of their little clique. It's funny how some irrelevant details become relevant with time and otherwise.

"I don't think you know Jeff." Sam introduces me to the strong voice's owner. I've heard about him a few times but I've never met him before. He looks nothing like I imagined him. He's way more hairy than any of my former friends.

"Nice to finally meet you Kahlan." The light tech greets with a warm smile and a lighter tone than the one he used with Evan. Wouldn't have I been puzzled by a light tech's presence on Warped Tour, I would have been surprised by the mention of my name.

"How do you know her?" Sam asks with the most genuine confusion I've ever witnessed. That's when I realize she never mentioned my name and Evan only called me Birdie, mostly because he probably doesn't know my real name. Then again, Zack asked him to pick Sam up and may have mentioned me, quickly.

"That's a secret I'll never tell."

The Warped's camp is exactly like I remember. Buses are lined up away from the park itself to allow bands and crews members to walk around freely. Merch tents have risen like mushrooms in a field but only the biggest bands' tables get a crowd around their table. Different bands are playing on the opened stages but don't make enough noise to spoil their neighbors' set. I vaguely recognize a song by VersaEmerge in the distance, the only one I know. I spot All Time Low's tent and smile at all the girls surrounding it. There's not a doubt in my mind that someone's hanging out with the merch guy right now, probably Jack or Rian.

"If it weren't for Jeff, I'd think I made a jump in the past." Rian's voice comes from nowhere, surprising the four of us. These guys have a strange ability to creep me out now. They never did before. They never managed to startle me, not even a little.

"If it weren't for your look, I'd think I'm still in the present." I reply with my best smirk. It feels so natural to banter again. I'm aware of the fact that everything's changed but it strangely feels like old times. There is no tension or bad feelings.

"Where are the others?" Sam asks after a quick hello to the drummers. One could think she'd be close to his brother's bandmates but she's not really. Just like May and Joe are almost strangers to Zack or Rian.

"Alex's giving an interview in the bus and Jack's signing a bit at the merch tent. As for Zack, I don't know. I haven't seen him since AP's photoshoot."

"Count on my brother to disappear when I get here."

"There's a kind of Skate Park behind the buses." Evan informs, as if it was the answer to everything. It may be, actually. Zack's a skater boy at heart. He'll never miss a chance to jump on a board and rip his jeans open with many missed flips and jumps.

"I'm just going to walk around for a bit. I'll meet you up later." I utter when they start walking in direction of the improvised skate park. Everything will be fine and I know it now but I'm not ready yet. I can't face him because I can't deal with the outcomes of my reaction.

_As she walked around the camp to find and__ tell Jack that he had to get ready to take the stage, Kahlan fought with the urge to gather all of her stuff and run away from everything. She had nothing to do here anyway, not anymore. She loved the guys to pieces but she didn't fit in their world anymore. She didn't feel it anymore, whatever "it" was. She just pretended for Zack's sake because she owned him that much. Come the fall, she'd be 2 857 miles away from him and she was yet to tell him. She had tried on many occasion but it proved to be harder than she first thought. She dreaded the moment she'd have to tell him about her decision._

"_Kahlan, wait!" Rian shouted as loud as he could while running after his friend. He didn't__` sprint her for too very long but he already felt like collapsing. He had never been any good in PE. A relieved sigh left his lips when the girl stopped and looked at him with a light frown._

"_It's Alex. He like can't breathe but he doesn't want the paramedics there. Zack says you'll know what to do." The drummer's words rushed out of his mouth, partly because he was about to pass out and mostly because he was worried about his friend's situation. Alex was always anxious before taking over a stage but never like that. Rian had __never seen him in such a state but they both knew Kahlan had. She had dealt with their crisis for so long now._

"_It was to be expected." Kahlan muttered under her breath but Rian heard it anyway. As far as he was concerned, Kahlan was still holding a grudge against Alex but truth was, she had gotten over it a while ago. She wasn't even mad at him anymore. She just couldn't be bothered with him anymore but she had to fake it for Zack._

"_Find Jack and take him to the stage." The young girl sighed before making her way back to the newbie's stage, as Kara called it. It was a fairly small stage on which only the locals play but it was a first step toward SmartPunk Stage, which was itself a step toward the main stage. Kahlan hoped she'd be around long enough to see them play the main stage. _

"_I tried everything you taught me but nothing worked." Zack breathed out as soon as he spotted his girlfriend. Kahlan had told him what to do if Alex had a crisis and she wasn't around but she had never told him what to do if none of her methods worked. There was a reason why they needed her to follow them around and he wished Hopeless Records could understand that reason before it was too late. _

"_He's gonna be fine." Kahlan reassured her boyfriend with a quick peck of his lips and walked over to her best friend who was sitting on the floor, heavily breathing into a paper bag. She kneeled next to him and pulled him into her, waiting for his sobs to lessen for his breathing would regulate itself as a result. Once he was calm enough, she pushed him away just enough to look at him and put a hand on his knee as a comforting gesture. _

"_What's up Mighty Duck?" _

"_I can't do it, Kahlan. It's a lot harder than I thought. These kids… they don't know us and yet, they expect so much from us. I can't deal with everything. I'm not strong enough." Alex panted and brought the bag back to his mouth straight after as he found it hard to breathe again. He knew that he was being irrational and that he'd have the time of his life once on stage but he couldn't help it. He couldn't control his anxiousness or his attacks. Kahlan literally ripped the paper bag away from him, her eyes glowing with anger. _

"_I don't want to hear it, Alex. It's not just about you anymore. It hasn't been since you convinced Zack to give up on his college education and Jack to quit the only job he could get. You lost the right to spoil your chance when you let Hopeless get rid of me without a fight back. If you don't do it for you, then do it for me. You owe me that much."_

I think I just heard my heart broke into a million pieces. It's not right. I should hurt that much. Zack and I are not together anymore. We haven't been together for years. It shouldn't be so painful to see him with another girl now but it feels like hell, maybe even worse. A powerful punch in the guts couldn't feel any less awful than watching their linked hands or witnessing how Zack pulls her closer to his side to kiss the top of her head. It used to be me. I used to be the girl in his arms; the one he looked at with tender eyes. I can't stand here any longer. I have to get away from him now but I can't see where I'm going with all these tears blurring my vision. And as if to prove a point, I collide with someone.

"Watch where you… Kahlan?" Out of all the people here, I had to bump into Jack Barakat. I can't deal with him right now. I'm in no state to hear his disguised mocks and remarks without a break down. I just want to get away from here as fast as possible. I shake my head and push past him. I walk faster than ever before but it doesn't seem to be enough. I'm just past the crowd when I feel fingers close around my wrist.

"Kahlan, wait! What's wrong?" He sounds genuinely concerned but I don't buy it. He can't be honest. He doesn't give a damn about me anymore. He made it crystal clear when he realized I was back for good. No matter how truthful he looks, he just can't be.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I couldn't be any less convincing even if I wanted to. Not only are tears falling down my cheeks like a waterfall but my voice is shaking like an old woman's hands. I could have calmed myself down if my eyes weren't glued to the petite brunette in my ex-boyfriend's arms.

"Zack's not dating Alison. They're just friendly housemates." Jack murmurs with a sweet smile that reminds me of my Jack Barakat. He's not faking it. He really does care. I should be happy about it but I don't like it very much right now. If he hated me like I thought he did, I'd know for sure that he's not lying to me. I want to believe him so badly but I know the look on Zack's face. It's not one he gives to simple friends.

"Come on, I'll get you an ice cream." Jack sighs dramatically, throwing an arm around my shoulders to lead me away from the happy couple and I'll be eternally grateful to him.

"What are you doing here anyway?"

"A huge mistake." I mutter as we stop in front of the ice creams stand. I don't remember ever seeing one of these stands on Warped before. It must be new. I don't have time to ponder the sudden appearance of ice cream because Jack's eyes are digging holes on the side of my face. I guess my answer isn't satisfying enough.

"I promised to be here when you'd play on the main stage and I like to keep my promises, even if it takes a lifetime." Here comes the truth. I've always wanted to see them hit the main stage. It was my dream for them when they first played the newbie's stage. Sure, I ran away to avoid my issues with Luke but just like his internship, it only gave me a reason to do what I really wanted to do. Fight to have my friends back.

"You do know we only got that far because we're good looking guys with great hair, right?" He jokes as my ice cream magically appears in front of my eyes. Alright, not that magically as he's actually handing it to me but I didn't realize he had ordered for the both of us so it's kind of magical. Back on important matters, I can't believe he's joking now out of all time.

"I wasn't living under a rock, Jack. I heard your singles on the radio and saw your music videos on MTV. I know you don't sound half as bad as before."

"Don't underestimate the power of autotune."

"I also went to every single show you played in California." I whisper softly enough to hope he didn't hear me. I know that he thinks I gave up on All Time Low the day I stepped into that place but he's never been more wrong. I can't say I didn't try to forget everything about them but luckily, I never found it in myself to stop supporting them. They were my best friends. I watched them rise. I couldn't just put that in the past.

"I bet you didn't come to Fall Out Boy's tour." He jokes again and I know that it's his way to deal with the surprise of knowing I never left their side, metaphorically speaking. He didn't change all that much, still using the same old tricks. He's had these false beliefs for too long now. It's time to set things straight. Maybe it'd be a first step into a new friendship.

"I failed a test to be at the Sacramento's date but it was worth it."

"You hate them." Jack states without a hint of amusement in his voice. As a matter of fact, he's right. I've always thought Pete was a bigheaded bastard who believed his band owned him but was completely talentless when it came to his instrument. The fact that Jack's great friend with him hasn't changed my mind one bit. I actually have to leave the venue when they got on stage in order to not throw up on the girl next to me. Both times.

"But I love you."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Another Heart Calls**

The week went by faster than I expected it to and before I knew it I was on a plane back to Baltimore. It was so good to be with the guys again and it somehow felt right too. I can't exactly say that it was like old times because it wasn't. The last three years are too real to be forgotten but they can be put in the past. I know that it's still a work in progress and that we're not going to be the best of friends after just one week together but it's a start. It's like closing a really shitty book to start a new one with the hope that it'd be a lot better. And what a great book it's been so far. And in order to keep it that way, I have to get over my fears and let go of my past. That's why I'm standing here now, facing John Hopkins University Hospital. I have to talk to Luke. I have to tell him about the confusion and doubts. I still don't know where I want us to go but I know that I don't want to hurt him. I have to be honest with him, for once. I take in a deep breath and step into the hospital. I don't know where I should go now. All I know is that he's working on the kids' floor but I have no idea what floor that is. The only part of John Hopkins Hospital I've ever seen is the emergency room. There should be signs near the elevators but I don't know where to find those either. One things for sure, I won't find anything if I just stand here. With another intake of air, I walk further into the hospital's lobby or whatever it's called. Here it is, the answer to my questions. The kids' services are on the fifth floor and that makes me reconsider jumping in an elevator. I, for some odd reasons, have a bit of an issue with these things lately and I'm in no rush today as my time off of work only ends tomorrow. At the same time, I can't be bothered walking up the stairs right now. All the muscles in my body are aching because of all the exercise Zack made me go through before letting me on a surfboard. That's when I wonder if staying with him, Alex and Alison was such a good idea. Sure, it allowed us to rekindle the sparks of an old friendships but I'm gonna have a hard time explaining the bruises to Luke. I should be concentrating. My fear of lifts and the bruises on my body are the least of my problems right now. I'm afraid I may lose all of my will if I don't act fast so I'm going for the lift's ride. The good thing is that it's right next to the information board. It only takes a few minutes for me to be on the fifth floor and even less time to find Luke. I can't help the smile that creeps on my face when I notice him surrounded by kids, quietly sitting on one of the little chair while they put makeup on him. The sight reminds me why I fell for him in the first place. It was a few weeks after our first date and I didn't want hum to be more than a casual amusement. He was adorable and made me laugh but I didn't see myself falling in love with him. Then, he took me to the hospital to show me why he loved his job so much. I watched him with the kids and I held him close when he explained to me that most of them were going to be dead within the years and that it was so unfair. That's when my heart spoke for the first time in years. That's when I felt the butterflies in the spit of my stomach. That's when I felt a vibration on my leg… oh wait, that's actually my phone ringing right now. Why is Nano calling me?

"My holidays only end tomorrow." I'd rather warn him before he gets the chance to say anything. I know he'll end up sweet-talking me into going to the office and I have other things to do. Not so long ago, I would have jumped on the occasion to delay said thing but I'm tired of running away now. If these last few months taught me one thing it's that you can't escape forever, no matter what it seems.

"Four words: Crossing Coldwater on tour." Shit, the guy knows how to manipulate me into anything. Just pick into my curiosity and you'll have my undivided attention. I'm trying to remember which of our closest bands are going on tour in the next few months but nothing comes. Well, All Time Low's going to Europe in a few days but it can't be them. First, they already have two support acts and second, it isn't all that easy to send a band in Europe with such a short notice. They need passports and visas and I don't know what else.

"I'll be right there." It's way too easy to make me cave. I should be ashamed of myself. My only consolation is that Luke didn't notice me here. It'll make it easier to sneak out now. Not only am I weak but I'm also a coward. My self-confidence is dropping lower and lower and that's why I should talk to Luke as soon as possible, before I complete lose my mind.

"Kahlan, what are you doing here?" Evidently. Luke just has to see me now that I'm leaving. It's not like I've been standing right in front of him for five minutes before that. Karma hates me. I never get out of anything easily. I must have been a puppy killer in my previous life. That's the only explanation.

"I came to see you and look, I've just seen you. I can leave now." And that's completely believable. I've spent nine hours in two different planes plus a three hours layover in Atlanta just to watch him through a glass. Luke may be a lot of things but definitely not an idiot. He knows that I'm looking for an easy way out.

"I have to go, Luke. I'm sorry." Truth be told, I'm not sorry. Actually, I can't care less right now. All I'm thinking about is that big news waiting for me at AMG's. I do want us to talk about what happened and what's going to happen and the sooner will be the better but if it's not now, it'll be tonight. That's the end of it. He just doesn't need to know that.

"Are you meeting up with him?"

"Zack's in California!" And I regret these words as soon as they leave my mouth. First because he didn't mention any name and could have been referring to Manny or Gunnar; I just assumed it was Zack because he seems to be the only person I can think of at the moment. And second because I just realized that I never told him Zack was in California, let alone that I was in California with Zack.

"I should have guessed the old friend you were visiting was actually your ex-boyfriend, who you still have feelings for." That's when I should tell him that Zack and I were never alone. Alex, Alison, Jon, Nick and Jordan made sure of that. A part of me knows that they're just trying to protect their friend but the other part of me is quite annoyed by their behavior. I have a boyfriend and even if things aren't looking bright right now, I'm not going to jump back into Zack's arms. I have to clear my mind up before anything.

"I don't have time for this right now."

I don't like it when I'm given ultimatums. I never know how to deal with them and always end up doing the wrong thing. I have a feeling I'll get home to find my stuff on the doorstep tonight; which can't be such a bad thing after all. I won't have to explain anything to him and I won't have to make a choice as he pretty much did it for me. I won't go as far as to thank him for making my life easier but he did lift a weight off of my shoulders. Without all the confusion and mixed feelings, I'll be able to concentrate on Crossing Coldwater. And it'll start as soon as I'll have reached the right floor. I didn't think it'd take me so long to climb a staircase. I must have gotten lost on the way there. And I have absolutely no idea on what that big news can be. I can't think of anyone crazy enough to tour with a new band without listening to them first and Crossing Coldwater's EP is still on the mixing table, as far as I know at least. And it's finally here. The Absolute Management Group sign I've been desperately searching since fifteen floors.

"Kahlan Carter, you have one perfect timing." Nano greets me as soon as I open the door. It's like he knew I was going to appear right this second, which is not impossible. I've seen a few cameras on my way up and Nano is known to be persuasive. I wouldn't be surprise if he had a terminal able to catch these images. Right, I'm being paranoiac now. It's getting better and better.

"Right, what's the big news?" I don't have time to waste anymore. Judging by the smirk on his face, he's not ready to tell me anything just yet. As the lift's bell rings to signal someone's getting out on our floor, his eyes dart out over my shoulder. This must be our mysterious band. Let's see who's going to be helping me on my mission to take Crossing Coldwater's to the top.

"You got to be kidding me."

_The sun was long gone when the bus took off to go to Los Angeles, the last stop of Vans Warped Tour 2009. The adventure was about to end in just over a day and real life would come to hit them all back in the face. Kahlan didn't want to go back to Baltimore. It wasn't that she didn't want to face Luke just yet because she felt more ready than never. No, she just didn't want to leave the guys again. She didn't want to go back to a Zack-less life. She hadn't seen much of him over the last couple of days but just knowing he was near, seeing him smile and hearing him laugh… it was the best feeling she had experienced in a long time. _

"_And they said you've changed." Zack mused with a smirk from his spot next to Rian's bunk. He watched as Kahlan put her bookmark in the book and close it. He waited for her to look up at him, holding his breath in fear of what he'd see in her eyes. She may want to be alone or just with anyone but him. Sam and her had been with them for the last two days but he didn't really talk to her yet. He didn't know how she felt about what had been said in that lift all these weeks ago and he needed to know to keep sane but he was scared to ask. _

"_It's another thing that will never change." Kahlan whispered with a shy smile, bringing her knees up to her chest as if trying to protect herself. Zack noticed the book in her hands and grinned as he remembered how she used to read it once a month, at the very least. It was the last present her father ever gave to her and she thought it held the answers to all of her questions. He wondered if she had found them already. He wondered if these pages could answer his own questions. They were, after all, searching for the same closure. They both needed to know why people left after saying they loved you and would always been there for you. _

"_I'm glad you're here, K." The bassist breathed out, not sure of what went through his mind when he spoke the words. He had been thinking them ever since she had stepped into their bus back in Mountain View but he had never got around to say them out loud. He didn't intend to tell her either, or anyone else for that matter. _

"_Right, that's why you've been avoiding me." Kahlan taunted with a roll of her eyes. She didn't want it to sound like a reproach because it was more of a statement but her voice did sound somewhat bitter. She couldn't say she didn't have fun with the other guys but she felt like something was missing. It didn't take to be a genius to know that the "something" was Zack. _

"_I didn't think I was that obvious." Zack admitted sheepishly, staring at his hands instead of her face. He didn't know why he had been so eager to stay away from Kahlan. A part of him had been dying to be alone with her but another part of him didn't even want to see her. There was a battle between his head and his heart._

"_It's okay, Zack. You didn't want to hang around your ex-girlfriend when your current girlfriend was around. It's understandable." _

"_I don't know what you're on about but Ali's dating Alex. It's supposed to be a secret relationship but everyone has known from the start." Zack said softly, finally dropping next to her on the couch. His knee brushed against hers ever so slightly but the contact still brought shivers down her spine. _

"_I feel like a right idiot now." Kahlan laughed a little, hiding her face behind her book. She could feel the heat radiating from her blushing face. She had never been more embarrassed in her entire life. Not only did she call Jack a liar when he was actually saying the truth but she had also made a complete fool out of herself in front of Zack. The same Zack who was now taking her book away from her, a wide grin on his face as he stared straight into her eyes. _

"_You're cute when you're jealous."_

I can't believe All Time Low are taking Crossing Coldwater on their European Tour. I've pinched my arm so many times that the pain doesn't want to go away anymore. I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, it should have clicked in my head when I heard Alex and Zack talk about issues with their support act but I didn't think much of it at the time. Mostly because I thought no bands in their right mind could decline a European Tour. Either I'm wrong or the Friday Night Boys are crazy. I don't know them so I won't judge them. I'll just be grateful for the opportunity we're being given thanks to their stupidity. The only bad thing about that big chance is that we only have two weeks to get the papers ready. Luckily, all five of us have our passports' ready. We just need to get the right visa plastered on each of them. It shouldn't be too much of a hassle as we're just taking over the Friday Night Boys' jobs but still with such a short notice, every minute counts. And that's why we're currently heading to all Embassies to have the papers done and over with.

"I still don't understand how it's possible for us to be added to such a tour at the very last minute." It takes all of my will power not to tell Gunnar to shut the fuck up right now. I told them everything I know when I picked them up an hour ago but he keeps asking the same thing every ten minutes. I must have answered this question about a hundredth time already. I don't even have to think of the words anymore. They came naturally, like a stupid automatism.

"All Time Low had to replace the Friday Night Boys and they settled on Crossing Coldwater. What's so hard to understand?"

"Why do they want us? They don't know any of us and they never heard any of our stuff either."

"They may have heard the final mix of '52 Saturdays' last week, by accident." I sheepishly confess, rubbing my neck with my free hand. I didn't expect anyone to eavesdrop what was playing in my room, especially as everyone was supposedly out to surf or shop. I didn't intend for Alex to hear a song before Crossing Coldwater ever got a chance to give their opinions. It's not my fault if he has one hell of a perfect timing, pretty much all the time.

"Did you sleep with Zack?" I can't believe Kaya's asking me that and with her idiots of bandmates sitting on the backseat with that. Rumors are spreading at speed light in this industry. It'll only take a joke or two to make me a bad reputation. It shouldn't be that big of a deal who I have sex with.

"Even if I did, it wouldn't be any of your business."

"Great! We're climbing the social ladder because our manager sleeps with the bassist of one of the biggest band of our generation."

"You didn't pick the ugliest out of the four."

"It was Alex's idea, okay? Alex is the one who asked if you'd like to go on tour with them and Zack doesn't even know it yet!" And that's a lie. Zack's not the one who got the idea but Alex talked to him before doing anything else. He said that he had to make sure Zack didn't mind my presence first because the week we spent at his house may have gone without any big drama but the European tour would last a bit longer and we wouldn't have much space to avoid each other.

"Notice that she didn't deny the sex allegation."

It's against all odds that I managed to go through today without killing either a musician or myself. Only a handful of people can claim to have survived my wrath. They better stop their taunting if they want to come back to the US with all of their limbs intact. Crossing Coldwater's members have been lucky today but they won't always be. And as I climb the stairs to my apartment, I'm hoping to be a lucky pal too. A part of me is screaming that it'd be a mistake to talk to Luke now and that I should just enjoy my new found freedom but I want him to know that I've always been faithful to him. My head's messed up and my heart's a wreck but I didn't cheat on him. I've been as honest as I could be while lying to myself. I think he should know that. And if it's being selfish, then let's be it. Wait a minute, where's my stuff? I expected to find them on the doorstep but I'm standing in front of the door and there is absolutely nothing there, just a carpet. Somehow, I don't think Luke sent them off to my mom's. He must know that I'd rather sleep under a bridge on a rainy night than to live under Lucie's roof again. Maybe he's stuck at the hospital. Ok, it's time to see if he changed the locks yet. The door being open can only mean one thing.

"I hope you're hungry." Luke greets as I step into the kitchen to see him cooking. He never cooks. We've been living on take-away and microwave dishes ever since we moved to Baltimore. Proper food was the only advantage of having two housemates in Palo Alto. We took turn to fix dinner on the weekends to make it up for the freaky amount of fast food we had eaten during the week.

"I had dinner with Kaya and the guys." That's a lie; I'm literally starving. I just can't stay here and act as if nothing was wrong. I want to get it done and over with so we can all move on to better days.

"More for me, then." I wish I could tell him that there's no reason to smile right now but I don't want to be too harsh. A snap of my fingers will be enough to break his heart, no need to crush it in between my bare hands.

"I think we should split." I'm being blunt, not mean. I don't know what's worse though.

"I know that we're going through a rough path right now but we don't have to break-up. We'll get through if we really want to."

"I don't know what I want anymore, Luke. I'm confused about everything and I feel completely lost. There's like a big dark cloud surrounding my brain and keeping me from seeing things clearly." I could add that I need a bit of time on my own to clear my mind up but it'd be slightly hypocritical. I'm going to Europe with none other than Zack Merrick. I'll be a lot of things but alone is not one of these. I know that we're not going to do anything to be ashamed or that we may not even be talking at all but still, he'll be around.

"I don't mind waiting."


End file.
